Friday, May 18, 2007

You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.


Today I witnessed a thirteen-year-old boy inside my home hold a Wii remote against his crotch as if he were holding his penis and yell, "Hey, guys, wouldn't it be funny if there was a Playboy game and you had to just do this!?!?" And then he proceeded to violently hump the air with his remote-penis for about five seconds.

And then I had a stroke.

And then I said, "Woah, woah, woah, you're a little young to be talking and acting like that." He stopped in his tracks and said, "YOUNG? What?" Like, "Oh, shit, grandma! I'm already doing the smack and fucking the hookers!" His friend Tyler said, "He's THIRTEEN." Like, "He's seriously already doing the smack and fucking the hookers."

I stood there for about three seconds with a MILLION things running through my head, such as "Fuck you, you little smart ass, a mouth like that will get you SMACKED like a little bitch in this household." Or, "Believe me when I say that you are too young to know what to do with it at this point." Or "I have a goat that loves the taste of flesh." I finally said, "Well, it's not okay to talk like that here." He replied, "I was JUST SAYING that it would be FUNNY if there was a Playboy game and you had to do THAT." So I said, "Okay, go say it somewhere else. You can't say that here." Because, you know, the censhorship is my bread and butter.

So anyway, I have now had a blaring wake-up call that I am in over my head and I am not prepared to be a mother ESPECIALLY NOT TO THREE BOYS, THREE BOYS IF I COULD MAKE THIS FONT SIZE ANY BIGGER IT WOULD BE ON 38 BY NOW.

Look, I know that boys will be boys and thirteen is right smack-dab in the middle of some serious angst and confusion and hormones and I'm probably lucky that he wasn't gleefully humping the couch. My problem with it is how he thought it was okay to act and talk like that, that there was absolutely no reason for me to be offended or non-plussed.

Let me tell you that I have dated and hung out with a LOT of boys over the last thirteen or fourteen years, and while some of them were sweet and perfect and never had impure thoughts or acted innappropriately, the large majority of them were either horrible people, dangerous people, REALLY vulgar people, really thoughtless people, or ex-convicts. Or a mix of two or more of the previous. Out of all of those boys, every stinking one of them, NONE of them would have ever behaved that way or made any such blatant sexual reference in front of my mother. I have been around boys who threw the word "pussy" around like it was the word of the day, boys who thought about NOTHING but sex, boys who were willing to try and make girls feel stupid if they didn't want to do it, and none of them would have done what this child did. And most of my boys were nineteen or twenty AT LEAST and still had better manners than to do something that ridiculous.

I think at least part of what is WIGGING MY SHIT is all those episodes of Oprah I've seen with, like, seven twelve-year-olds gang banging each other and wearing different colored bracelets to let each other know what all sexual acts they're willing to do and whatnot. That thought mixes around in my head with the thoughts of how young I was when I lost my virginity, and how I know now that it was too young, and how the only reason I did it was because my boyfriend at the time spent MONTHS making me feel, or actually just outright telling me that something was wrong with me because I was scared. He told me that I was weird, and that my best friend was doing it and she was cool and everybody liked her (wonder why?), and how he just didn't know what was wrong with me that I didn't want to. Look, I wasn't raped and I realize that I am a MORON for falling for it, but after literally several months I gave in because I liked him and I felt like I was stupid and wrong and unattractive and bad for not wanting to.

What it boils down to is two-fold: One, I don't want to be raising those boys. THOSE boys, the ones who guilt young girls into doing things that they really don't want to do, and feel no remorse about it. I don't want to raise boys who, at the age of twelve, start trying to get girls to give them the oral sex. I don't want to raise boys who don't know how to behave in front of other people's parents, who leave other people's parents feeling the way that I felt this afternoon when I told Jason that I don't think that kid can come over any more. I'm really afraid that it might be a generational thing, that it's going to be hard to keep a leash on Kane and Jude and Reed if most of their friends act that way and talk that way and then what if the girls are the same way? What if the girls they hang out with think it's cool to start doing those kinds of things before they're even old enough to know how to shave properly? How will I know that my boys won't make awful decisions if their friends are making awful decisions and the girls are practically leading the way?

Okay, so it's just one, big fold as opposed to two.

So pretty much I can't handle this and I'm pretty sure that I'm going to turn into a fucking dictator pretty soon if today was any indicator of the path I have in front of me.

And all this from a boy pretending that a Wii remote was his dick. I can't believe that Jason didn't think of it first.


Jason, what would the nunchuk be used for? said...

Don't you mean dicktator, since you will be monitoring wii-mote use as phalluses? You and Jason need to start hanging out with older friends than 13 year olds.

stephanie said...

wowza. food for thought. I know I was sneaking around watching porno on Showtime at 11- but come on! I had THE FEAR in me. The fear of mothers, that is... Have you considered the idea that you are just so freaking hip that the boy thought it was okay to air-hump in front of you? Or perhaps he thinks you are saucy, and air-humps as an attempt to woo you?? Have you considered these things, Buffy?

Birdie said...

I love this post. I'm worried about those same types of things and my kid's not even born yet. Yikes.

Heff said...

What a great idea!!!