Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Cleaning out my text messages.

- If you feel so inclined, a swift kick to that junky, withered black hole some might call her box would elicit FIVE WHOLE DOLLARS from my wallet to yours.

- I think it's nice that handjobs are her standard slut operating procedure.

- We hulahooped and I wasn't a whore!

- The museum is hosting an exhibit of American art from revolutionary war times. I fell asleep just reading the billboard.

- I just saw a Wal-Mart commercial with an unnerving amount of "people from the Orient". I saw several cameras in the commercial. Even Wal-Mart doesn't know when it's wrong to make fun of stereotypes.

- Holy hangover, Batman!

- The Jeep Liberty in front of me has a tag that reads "supbrah".

- My cousin has a natty light tall boy AND a 2 liter Dr. Pepper in her fridge- we're definitely related.

- I just ate a bunch of ants. They were blending in with my left over Mexican steak.

- There is a swole part on my ear that oozes and smells a little. I'm pretty sure I'm going to die.

- We're at the foozball table. And I'm on a team with some random dude who tried to pick me up by telling me he got offered the head of security job at Bass Pro Shop. Help me.

- I need to ask you something really serious. Do you think Branjelina is breaking up? Also, Jason wants you to know he can't get behind striped hoodies.

- Duque just swallowed a rib bone whole.

- Yay! Prozac high five!

- Is it bad that there's a coat at Cracker Barrel that I want?

- I have alleviated my hangover with aspirin, cocola, and chicken biscuit.

- Watching Desperate Housewives brought me down, but watching Best of Jimmy Fallon brought me back up. Oh my God, what's happened to me?

- Watching a Roomba? Now that's entertainment.

- Is she still secret-dating a dude?

- Batman doesn't wear his cape when he pees.

- She's an equal opportunity lesbian. She thinks of a dude as a strap-on with a man attached.

- Mooses are pretty damn cool.

- Ironic mullet fail.

- Some tattooed, pierced dude is singing Do You Believe In Life After Love by Cher. I think Armageddon is upon us.

- I'm wearing a Mylie Cyrus blazer. What's become of us.

- Sweet Georgia Brown: when you want a beer that tastes like bugs smell.

- The funny think is I wasn't even wearing my fake Uggs last night. I just said it to gross you out.

- Whither thou goest, knave?!? To thou, likest whatest you look upon, whaeheh?!

- Do you want to be, like, Jersey shore Santa, or like, a classy Santa with pearls?

- You just had to drizzle some ear goo in a few places real quick.

- I bet one of their names is Donette.

- Cosmic zombie Jew.

- Are you gonna tell him the truth now or wait until he kills me and blinds himself?!

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