Tuesday, April 13, 2010

So the day that I wrote here last, Jason called and cussed me out about the blog, and then two days later did it again. Consequently I've changed the blog to invite-only. If you know anybody I should invite, let me know, because it makes me happy for people to be reading.

Last week was just awful. I was a self-involved mess for most of it (what else is new?), but I think, ONCE AGAIN, that I've come out the other side.

It just felt so lonely and wrong and odd to be floating around over here not knowing what was going on with Jason's family at such a terrible time in their lives. The funeral was Saturday, and guess what? I didn't go. I intended to, but Jason told me it was at 3 when it was actually at 2. I think it was probably just a mistake on his part; he's never been good at details. I was really nervous about going; with the divorce, seeing his family was going to be really hard, and seeing Julia sitting with them was going to be even harder. But I still needed it for closure, to be able to say goodbye- not just to Big John, but to the Agans. Looks like I'm going to have to find that closure somehow within myself.

Jason told Reed on Friday, and he seems to have handled it remarkably well. He's brought it up once or twice, but he doesn't seem too distraught about it, which is a good thing. Plus I think Reed's too busy SUCKING MY WILL TO LIVE; he's prioritizing, see? He has been so energetic and wild lately, I have a lot of trouble keeping up. Jason has suddenly decided that he ought to be spending more time with Reed, and I agree. They hung out last night, and when they got home, Reed sung us Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes in Spanish and it was one of the cutest things I've ever seen. Knowing, seeing for real that Reed will be fine, makes me feel much lighter during such a heavy time.

Eric, my boy in Mississippi, has changed things for me in so many ways it's hard to count. I feel optimistic. If you know me, you know that that means THE APOCALYPSE BE COMIN', Y'ALL, TAKE COVER. We talk every day- as evidenced by my $8657 phone bill THANKS T-MOBILE- and we text a lot. I've never attempted a long-distance anything, so this is all a learning process for me. A yearning, bittersweet, shallow-breathing learning process, but a learning process nonetheless. He is so cute, and so sweet, and he makes jokes. AND LAUGHS. JOKES AND LAUGHS. I can't tell you what a breath of fresh air this is, to be with someone who knows how to look for silver linings, who knows how to be goofy, who knows how to make me smile every single day. Luckily he's only about three hours away, so we can visit a lot. I didn't get to go see him last weekend, but you better believe I'm going out there this weekend. We're going to have tamales for breakfast and drink beer and goof off in his living room floor and make out AND MAKE OUT AND MAKE OUT, and I can't wait.

So, you know, if you see a crazy lady burning up the road towards Kosciusko this Friday, just stay outta my way.

Thursday, April 08, 2010

Well, it seems to be three steps forward, two steps back around here.

Jason's dad died night-before-last. He wasn't the healthiest person ever as far as his lifestyle, but he hadn't been sick that I know of, hadn't had heart problems or anything of that nature. It was pretty unexpected. He was around 60, I believe.

John was the first member of Jason's family that I met after we started seeing each other, and he immediately welcomed me into the family when everyone else was hesitant, as Jason was going through a nasty divorce at the time. He treated me with kindness and respect. We joked and laughed and drank beer together, and picked on each other and hugged each other. John would hug me until I thought my bones would break into pieces.

Only a few weeks ago I dropped Reed off at John's (where Jason is living now) and John hugged me and told me he loved and missed me.

The grief I'm feeling now is only intensified by the fact that I'm not really a part of their family any more, can't go to them and hug them and cry with them and remember John. I mean, I guess I could, but I haven't been invited and no one has been calling me. I feel awfully lonely, out here by myself, no one to commiserate with. I called Jason's mom and left a shaky, weepy message asking her to please let me know if there is anything at all that I can do. I haven't heard back from her. It's probably unfair of me to be having these thoughts and feelings, but it feels wrong some how not to be involved in this process with them. John was my father-in-law for 6 years, and the ink isn't dry on the divorce papers, and he was Reed's grandaddy John.

Oh, God, and Reed. I don't know if it's because of Jason's leaving and the divorce and all, but he's been asking a lot of questions about death lately. "Are you going to die? Is Ma going to die? When? I don't want Ma to die, because I love her." All I've known to tell him is that everybody dies, but it's when they're very, very old, and it's going to be a very long time before Ma or I die, that we'll be old, old, old. And now someone has to be like, "Except grandaddy John! He died. But no one else will for a long, long time." I feel like a liar, a failure, lost, wrong.

Also Jason has asked specifically that he gets to tell Reed. But now I'm left to wait and wonder, when? When will he tell him? Because there are no plans anytime in the next several days for Jason to see Reed. And while I don't know for sure, I bet all the other grandchildren have been told already. No one has called to talk to Reed, or visited him.

I think I'm just selfishly feeling like the outcast, and I'm fearing that Reed is going to be cast out with me. I'm absolutely dizzy right now with too many thoughts, too much confusion. I just wish I could do something, could help them right now. But I suppose that's just my place any more.

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

So then, new life, first installment.

Divorce papers were signed on Friday. I spent the weekend with my new boy from Mississippi and Reed. We went to the park and the McWane Center and ate lunch at my favorite Mexican restaurant, and at night we housesat for Chris and Kristi and drank beers on the back porch and listened to music and talked and talked. And talked.

I'm feeling prepared, ready, unafraid, in ways that I wouldn't have expected, ways that I am thanking God for.

I have to keep up the job search, have to keep being there for Reed and taking care of him, keep doing the laundry and the dishes and all that other daily stuff. But now there's something else behind it, incentive, excitement, satisfaction, purpose, that wasn't there before. For all I know it WAS there before and I just didn't see it, couldn't find it, something; all I know is it's there now and I like it.

This coming weekend I'm going to Mississippi, spending one night in Jackson to see a band with the boy, and the other night in Kosciusko at the boy's apartment, cooking and talking and drinking and, let's face it, making out a little bit. Or a lotta bit, whichever. I can't wait for Friday, can't wait to see his face, to hear his voice, smell his neck, to play with his dog, to sit on his couch.

Right now the only real concern I have is Jason and his fading connection with Reed. He never calls, never asks to see him. I call him and ask if he wants to hang out with his son, and he seems indifferent, annoyed, put-out. I can't understand it, because he's always been a fantastic, enthusiastic father, and somehow that's changed, and it scares the shit out of me. I mean, our marriage is over, he can piss me off all day long and I'll get over it, but Reed is 4 years old, young and fragile and scared and confused, and this is a crucial time for Jason to reassure him that their love will never change. I fear that he's not realizing how his attitude affects Reed, how Reed can tell how angry and bitter and resentful Jason is.

But, for right now, all I can do is keep encouraging Jason to see Reed, keep telling Reed how much we both love him, that we're not going anywhere, that we'll always be his parents, always love him. And keep moving on with my life, with Reed in tow. We'll be alright, we just might hit a few speed bumps on the way.

Thursday, April 01, 2010

Wow. Wow. I don't know how to start.

In the middle of January, Jason left me. He came home from work one day and said he thought we should separate, that he needed some time alone, and I cried and begged and pleaded and told him I loved him and wanted to be with him and Reed needs his dad and so on. That evening I went to Kristi's and tried to work it out in my head and couldn't come up with much. The next morning he told me he didn't want to separate, he wanted a divorce. I totally fell apart. I cried and puked and begged and cried some more. I didn't eat for days. I cried for days.

The only thing that kept me from totally falling off the deep end was Reed, daily routine, stuff to do. And being unemployed, there wasn't always stuff to do. I see-sawed back and forth between dealing and totally not dealing. Well, honestly the other thing that kept me from falling off the deepend was my collection of the best girls on the planet, my girls, who would answer the phone any time, answer my crazy texts at any time, and remind me that this, RIGHT HERE, is reality, and I can deal with it and move on.

And that right there, the fact that my only option was to deal with it and move on, was the hardest to grasp. I kept waiting for Jason to come to his senses, to realize that he couldn't live without me, to realize that he'd made a terrible mistake, to realize how terrible this would be for Reed. But over the weeks it slowly and painfully became clear that that wasn't going to happen.

It took about a week for me to nag Jason into admitting he was spending time with someone else, 13 days for me to badger Jason into admitting that he was fucking her. The night that he admitted that, he told me that I'm crazy, that I have problems, why wouldn't I just let him go, that I was abnormal for wanting to know what he was doing and who he was with.

Julia, the girl that Jason is with now, is someone we've had problems with in the past. I never wrote about it, because I wanted to keep some part of our lives private. Two years ago Jason and I were having some marital problems, and it came to my attention that he'd taken nude photos of a girl without my knowledge, and that he'd been talking to people he worked with pretty extensively about our marriage, to the point where a few girls he worked with were encouraging him to leave me. Keep in mind that these were girls who had only met me a few times and didn't know me or our marriage at all. One of those was Julia. Once all that came to light, I looked at our cell phone records and realized that he and Julia had been texting each other a whole lot for some time, sometimes 30 and 40 times a day. I told Jason that I thought it was unfair for him to talk about our marriage to his manager, who also was younger and had no children and had never been married and didn't know me at all. He claimed that all that texting was just about work, that they were just friends, that nothing was going on. He went on to make fun of her, to tell me that she had no sense of humor at all, that she was dull and boring and snobby, stuck-up, had no personality. He put a stop to the texting, even though she openly threw a fit about it, in front of other co-workers, enough that people were asking what the hell was going on.

It took me a couple of months, but I got over it. Jason reassured me that he loved me, would never leave me, wanted only me, was committed to me and Reed and our marriage.

Fast-forward to him telling me that he wanted to separate. I looked at our cell records and found that he and Julia were talking again. When I asked him about it, his response was, "She's just being there for me. We're friends, and nothing else." It was about a week after that that I found out he was spending the night at her house. It was a few days after that that he admitted they were sleeping together.

Then about two months later he started telling my friends that he "has deep, strong feelings" for Julia that he's had "for a very long time". About a week after he left me, he admitted that he thought about moving to California with her. Now he's pressuring me to allow Reed to hang out with her. I have to say, I have a lot of reservations. It's not because it's Jason's new girlfriend; it's because it's a girl who has been after my husband for years, a girl who has met Reed and knows we had a life and child and a history and didn't give a fuck about it.

Also, really, who would want him? Jason now has two divorces; he's left two woman and three children behind. Is this what's attractive now?

And this isn't even getting into all the bullshit he's fed me. Two weeks before he left, I could tell something was wrong, and I asked, "What's going on? Are you going to leave me?" His response: "I love you. I would never leave you. You're stuck with me. I'm not going anywhere." And that ain't paraphrasing; that's what he told me.

The day he left, I asked him if he could please not date anyone until after we were divorced, if that was what was going to happen. He said yes.

Anyway, here we are. We're signing the papers tomorrow. I've been through a lot in a short amount of time. I've cried and begged and despaired and grieved and begged some more and pleaded and lamented and feared and avoided and every other possible option. But I think, I think, that I've come to terms. I don't want to be with Jason if he doesn't love me any more, which I'm pretty sure is the case. I don't want an unhappy marriage, I don't want Jason with me out of obligation. My love for him was so intense and all-encompassing that it was hard for me to see out of it, hard for me to see a way to exist without him in my life. Fortunately for me I have Reed and my girls, so I've made it.

And I've made it to a really, really happy place. I know that there will probably be more sadness, more loss felt, but right now I'm able to truthfully say, "Okay, this if life, this is what's happened, and I'm better off because of it."

I've met a boy.

I've met a boy.

I'm not sure what to say about it right now. I can say that he makes me laugh, makes me feel light, makes me feel like there is a lot of life to live that I haven't even had a taste of yet. He makes me feel like I am lovely, have something to offer, am worthwhile, that I have worth. He makes me feel like the way I am is okay, is better than okay, is desirable. I am remembering that I am funny, smart, pretty, fun. I am remembering that I am good mother, that I am responsible, that I am good. I am remembering that I am good.

I am remembering that I am good. Goddamnit for it taking a boy to make me remember it, but isn't it good that I remembered? I think so.

We'll see what happens from here. I'm just happy to be happy. To be able to laugh and smile without feeling scared, guilty, about it. To be able to look forward, without shame. To be able to yearn in a happy way, instead of in a sad way. To be able to talk to someone who is excited about what's to come.

I'm back, for anyone who might still look here. I ain't going anywhere. Except maybe to Mississippi.