A nice exchange.

From a sweet girl:

I was writing because I just came out of a particularly shitty bout of depression, you know- what used to referred as a nervous breakdown, and my family is being so supportive but sometimes they have trouble understanding. I wanted them to read your blog entry titled "On Shovels" because it's one of the best pieces I've ever read that describes the evil monkey... your blog gives people hope... I read it because it give me hope. Hope that I can live a free life, be honest with people, love, get married and make a baby one day, be creative, and just not give a fuck because it is what it is. Thank you so much and I hope you and Reed are doing well.

My reply:

Hey, lady! I'm sorry you've had some hard times lately. Things over here have been up and down, sort of one step forward, two steps back. Some days I feel good, some days I feel terrible. Reed's the same way; some days I thank God that he seems to be adjusting and doing well, some days he's nutty. But it's to be expected. We're still all just trying to wrap our heads around the fact that Jason's gone and living with Julia and things will never be the same.

I hope that you're feeling better, and it makes me feel incredibly humble and grateful that reading my blog has done good things for you, however small. Writing makes ME feel so, so much better, and I've always thought it's important to use my right to say HEY I'M ALL FUCKED UP AND LOOK HOW I'M STILL SURVIVING, you know? Because sometimes it feels like you won't survive it, and then you do.

I'll talk to you soon, and thank you for always being so nice to me. Every little bit helps, you know?

"A-well hello, Mistah Lincoln. And the drinks are on me."

Goodness gracious, back and forth and back and forth. I'm feeling better, more able to move forward, which just means I'm continuing on with this roller coaster, up and down, up and down. I'm pretty sure that's normal, though.

I'm excited to have made my blog public again. Hi, y'all! Jason had objected pretty strongly to it being public, and out of respect I locked it. But then once I realized that Julia was saying really awful shit about me on the internet (that I am a "selfish, jobless, incapable, alcoholic, useless piece-of-shit slug"), I figured what's good for the goose is good for the gander.

Speaking of which, hey Julia! I'm glad you took some time to read me while you were up in Elizabethtown. It's nice to know folks are reading. On that same subject, hey Heather! How's Jackson treating you?

Anyway, moving on from the shout-out portion of my post, life goes on. Still looking for a job, hanging out with Reed, trying to take care of myself. We spent the holiday weekend swimming and hanging out with friends and having sleep-overs and laughing and goofing off. I'm seeing someone I really, really like a lot, who is great with Reed and even better with me.

I managed to mess up my knee again. Man, did I even write about that the first time? A klutzy moron managed to kick my knee out from underneath me a few months ago, and I sprained my acl? I think? Anyway, weeks of wearing a brace and icing it down and taking steroids and trying to stay off it made it get better. Then, Friday night, I talked my new dude and his roommate into teaching me how to ollie. I gotta tell you, I totally almost nearly did it. I was getting there, dude, when suddenly I had a blinding pain in my knee and the next thing I knew I was writhing in the floor clutching it and telling them not to touch me. Now it's stiff and fluidy and bruised and gross. I'm headed to the doctor today to have it checked out. I'm hoping to avoid surgery.

Still seeing my counselor, who says she's very proud of me and that I'm making amazing progress. It's nice to talk to somebody on the outside of all of this, who can lend perspective when I can't seem to find any. Which is, you know, pretty frequent.

I feel at odds with a lot of people right now, and all I know to do about it is take a deep breath and wait it out. I'm enjoying life right now, and it's disappointing to me that there always has to be something, that when I feel better about some part of my life another part has to spring out of wack.

But I'm still working on it, still having days in which I feel optimistic, in which I laugh and smile and hug and kiss, in which I feel lucky, fortunate, grateful, excited. And that's really all I can ask for right now. So, you know, score.