Tuesday, April 06, 2010

So then, new life, first installment.

Divorce papers were signed on Friday. I spent the weekend with my new boy from Mississippi and Reed. We went to the park and the McWane Center and ate lunch at my favorite Mexican restaurant, and at night we housesat for Chris and Kristi and drank beers on the back porch and listened to music and talked and talked. And talked.

I'm feeling prepared, ready, unafraid, in ways that I wouldn't have expected, ways that I am thanking God for.

I have to keep up the job search, have to keep being there for Reed and taking care of him, keep doing the laundry and the dishes and all that other daily stuff. But now there's something else behind it, incentive, excitement, satisfaction, purpose, that wasn't there before. For all I know it WAS there before and I just didn't see it, couldn't find it, something; all I know is it's there now and I like it.

This coming weekend I'm going to Mississippi, spending one night in Jackson to see a band with the boy, and the other night in Kosciusko at the boy's apartment, cooking and talking and drinking and, let's face it, making out a little bit. Or a lotta bit, whichever. I can't wait for Friday, can't wait to see his face, to hear his voice, smell his neck, to play with his dog, to sit on his couch.

Right now the only real concern I have is Jason and his fading connection with Reed. He never calls, never asks to see him. I call him and ask if he wants to hang out with his son, and he seems indifferent, annoyed, put-out. I can't understand it, because he's always been a fantastic, enthusiastic father, and somehow that's changed, and it scares the shit out of me. I mean, our marriage is over, he can piss me off all day long and I'll get over it, but Reed is 4 years old, young and fragile and scared and confused, and this is a crucial time for Jason to reassure him that their love will never change. I fear that he's not realizing how his attitude affects Reed, how Reed can tell how angry and bitter and resentful Jason is.

But, for right now, all I can do is keep encouraging Jason to see Reed, keep telling Reed how much we both love him, that we're not going anywhere, that we'll always be his parents, always love him. And keep moving on with my life, with Reed in tow. We'll be alright, we just might hit a few speed bumps on the way.


Anonymous said...

ALWAYS trust your instincts

buffy said...

Thanks, Heather, I got it.