Thursday, August 05, 2010

Okay, then. Still chugging along.

Life is so fucking difficult sometimes, and I'm honestly enjoying re-learning how to do this, how to get through each day and appreciate it, be grateful for it. I think a lot of good things are coming in both the near and distant future. I'm thankful that I'm still here to look forward to the good stuff, and persevere through the bad stuff.

Jason and I are up and down, back and forth, as far as being able to get along, to communicate with each other. He still thinks that I'm selfish and unreasonable, and I still think... pretty much the same about him.

Kane and Jude have moved in with Jason and Julia, and as a result Reed has actually been spending the night with Jason some. I think it's good for everybody involved, especially Reed.

I'm still seeing my someone new, and he's still a fucking blessing every single day. Philip constantly reminds me that no matter how hard all of this is, it's worth it, I'm worth it, what we have is worth it. And it's not that I wouldn't have thought those things on my own, but it's so, so nice to have someone there day-in and day-out who says it, over and over again. I feel like if I wasn't here, or if Jason and I had stayed together, I'd be missing out on a lot of really good stuff. And that really means a lot for someone like me, who has been through countless days in which I've not been able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, in which I've not been able to remember to be grateful for my life and everything in it.

Still job-searching, still helping Reed cope with the divorce, still having days that are good, and occasionally days that are bad. But, hey, such is life. How many times have I written here that all I can do is keep trying, keep managing, keep ignoring, keep persevering? A lot of times, is how many. So here I am, still doing all that shit. Will life ever be easier? I don't know. But life certainly does keep getting better, and I don't want to miss any of it.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

A nice exchange.

From a sweet girl:

I was writing because I just came out of a particularly shitty bout of depression, you know- what used to referred as a nervous breakdown, and my family is being so supportive but sometimes they have trouble understanding. I wanted them to read your blog entry titled "On Shovels" because it's one of the best pieces I've ever read that describes the evil monkey... your blog gives people hope... I read it because it give me hope. Hope that I can live a free life, be honest with people, love, get married and make a baby one day, be creative, and just not give a fuck because it is what it is. Thank you so much and I hope you and Reed are doing well.

My reply:

Hey, lady! I'm sorry you've had some hard times lately. Things over here have been up and down, sort of one step forward, two steps back. Some days I feel good, some days I feel terrible. Reed's the same way; some days I thank God that he seems to be adjusting and doing well, some days he's nutty. But it's to be expected. We're still all just trying to wrap our heads around the fact that Jason's gone and living with Julia and things will never be the same.

I hope that you're feeling better, and it makes me feel incredibly humble and grateful that reading my blog has done good things for you, however small. Writing makes ME feel so, so much better, and I've always thought it's important to use my right to say HEY I'M ALL FUCKED UP AND LOOK HOW I'M STILL SURVIVING, you know? Because sometimes it feels like you won't survive it, and then you do.

I'll talk to you soon, and thank you for always being so nice to me. Every little bit helps, you know?

Tuesday, July 06, 2010

"A-well hello, Mistah Lincoln. And the drinks are on me."

Goodness gracious, back and forth and back and forth. I'm feeling better, more able to move forward, which just means I'm continuing on with this roller coaster, up and down, up and down. I'm pretty sure that's normal, though.

I'm excited to have made my blog public again. Hi, y'all! Jason had objected pretty strongly to it being public, and out of respect I locked it. But then once I realized that Julia was saying really awful shit about me on the internet (that I am a "selfish, jobless, incapable, alcoholic, useless piece-of-shit slug"), I figured what's good for the goose is good for the gander.

Speaking of which, hey Julia! I'm glad you took some time to read me while you were up in Elizabethtown. It's nice to know folks are reading. On that same subject, hey Heather! How's Jackson treating you?

Anyway, moving on from the shout-out portion of my post, life goes on. Still looking for a job, hanging out with Reed, trying to take care of myself. We spent the holiday weekend swimming and hanging out with friends and having sleep-overs and laughing and goofing off. I'm seeing someone I really, really like a lot, who is great with Reed and even better with me.

I managed to mess up my knee again. Man, did I even write about that the first time? A klutzy moron managed to kick my knee out from underneath me a few months ago, and I sprained my acl? I think? Anyway, weeks of wearing a brace and icing it down and taking steroids and trying to stay off it made it get better. Then, Friday night, I talked my new dude and his roommate into teaching me how to ollie. I gotta tell you, I totally almost nearly did it. I was getting there, dude, when suddenly I had a blinding pain in my knee and the next thing I knew I was writhing in the floor clutching it and telling them not to touch me. Now it's stiff and fluidy and bruised and gross. I'm headed to the doctor today to have it checked out. I'm hoping to avoid surgery.

Still seeing my counselor, who says she's very proud of me and that I'm making amazing progress. It's nice to talk to somebody on the outside of all of this, who can lend perspective when I can't seem to find any. Which is, you know, pretty frequent.

I feel at odds with a lot of people right now, and all I know to do about it is take a deep breath and wait it out. I'm enjoying life right now, and it's disappointing to me that there always has to be something, that when I feel better about some part of my life another part has to spring out of wack.

But I'm still working on it, still having days in which I feel optimistic, in which I laugh and smile and hug and kiss, in which I feel lucky, fortunate, grateful, excited. And that's really all I can ask for right now. So, you know, score.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

"Burning bridges shore to shore."

Hm. Well, I wrote a few months ago that I would probably sink back into some depression and sadness before all was said and done, and it's happened.

The past month or so has been really awful for me. Things didn't work out with Eric, and a close friend and I have had a pretty intense falling-out, and somehow in the midst I started yearning, really desperately wanting, Jason to come home.

Jason and Julia moved in together a couple of months ago, and since then he and I have had a lot of trouble communicating. He blames me for his financial troubles because he has to pay me child support. He also has cut way back on seeing Reed, and their (Jason's and Reed's) relationship is suffering because of it. He's yelled and cussed and blamed and made fun until I've started to feel like we might not ever be able to speak to each other civilly. He also told me that he in no way needs therapy because he "doesn't have any problems". MUST BE NICE, ASSHOLE.

I, on the other hand, have some problems. It started about the time Jason's dad died- feeling really, terribly sad, lonely, wrong, stupid, ugly, worthless, useless, invisible. It progressed to throwing up almost every time I eat, having nightmares about Jason and Julia almost every time I sleep, shaking, aching, feeling just terrible.

And that's where I am now. I have days where I suddenly feel better, a little happier, more able to cope, but they are the exception, not the norm. Coping is just so difficult right now, because the way I want to cope (sleeping and resting) isn't working for me- it's working against me (what with the nightmares). I know I'll get better, that this will pass; it's just really intense and unsettling right now.

I'm still seeing a counselor, and I like and trust her a lot, and she really is helping me. She says I need to get in touch with my anger and figure out a good way to get it out. I haven't stumbled onto the way to do that yet. I mean, I definitely feel angry, and I certainly have talked through a lot of it with my friends and family. But it's still in there, festering. If, in the next few days, I post some letters here that have a startling amount of bad words and blaming and whining, just cut me some slack.

I'm still here. I'm still here. I'M STILL HERE. MOTHERFUCKERS. Sorry; mantra. For the longest time my mantra had been I got this. That doesn't feel like it applies any more. So, for right now, I suppose it's I'm working on this. I hope y'all will stick with me until I manage to stumble out the other side.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Cleaning out my text messages.

- Smite me, motherfucker!

- In the summertime, I really like for the Asians to be all over my feet.

- Women are only good at 3 things: cooking, cleaning, and vaginas.


- There aren't any blow jobs in your stocking.

- I wasn't sure what I was looking at until it ejaculated.

- I hope you know the Heimlich because I'm gonna put my bike in it.

- You look like a douche bag.

- Beer goggles: it's what's for dinner.

- They're smokin' weed outta meat?

- They all love hunting. That, and fucking their daughters.

- My toes are exhausted.

- At least we haven't loaded up to drive to Mississippi and kill that asshole and his dumbass dog.

- I miss the rains down in Africa.

- I'm live right now and that makes me important. Or that's what my mom tells me.

- I'm, like, a man. Or at least 75% man.

- Nice to know you two are discussing my junk.

- "Homeless Entrepreneurs and Anorexic Geeks" is the title of my new autobiography.

- My autobiography would be titled "What the Fuck Just Happened?" Wait, maybe that would be my tombstone.

- Sometimes I like to NOT have to say I'LL KILL YOU IF YOU DRUG ME when I go to the bathroom.

- Mama's drunk. You wasted time arguing with me GAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH


- COME ON. Break out of your mold. HANG OUT WITH DRUNK GIRLS.

- You have a poor, single mom offering to buy you drinks.


- I'm trying to theduthe you.

- I hate dudes. Why don't you live here? I was more shaking my fist at the heavens than actually asking you.

- You still hiding in a dressing room?

- You're a sultry minx.

- Reed just taught Chris how to use a doorknob to open a door. No joke.

- I don't think he can penetrate me from the next state.

- I'm tired of bald pussies. I want a real woman.

- I make cunnilingus-in-the-bar-bathroom promises.

- I'll wine and dine you. But I expect, at least, fellatio.

- There was a faggot in bed with us!

- You could BE that Coke Icee.

- Okay, apparently a dude is about to show up who is a dairy farmer AND has four nipples. CAN'T YOU COME WITNESS THIS?

- We have rimming syrup.


- They're about to smoke pot out of a potato.

- You only like me because I'm reading a book about turn-of-the-century Midwesterners.

- I wasn't making fun of Jerusalem. I decided I was too scared.

- The last time I was there I arrested a waitress.

- Why is he cocky? He's from Mississippi.

- Oh, wait, you mean you don't literally have a pine cone in your ass?

- I like it rough. Punch me in the face.

- Why do I have to be a jackass?

- I like letting gay guys bite me.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Cleaning out my text messages.

- I received my first shocker last night.

- Just like negroes, all amputees know each other.

- There is a cute, young ONE-ARMED DUDE working the toll booth today. He used his nub to count my change.

- Snap him up and then y'all can have a brood of Virginian, White supremacist babies.


- I ran into that fucking d-bag who ran our tab up to $65 and I tried to kick him.

- Oh, drunk bitches, I was you once, before I got old and found out going to bed and eating Krystals with my bff was way better.

- I just had some 5-foot Mexican be all YOU SMELL GOOD and I was like I KNOW BITCH IT'S CHANEL.

- I'm gonna smoke another cigarette and then go pass out next to a dude wearing make-up.

- I'm reading Dorothy Parker at the bar. I feel like Alabama's number 1 loser alcoholic.

- The band is playing Voodoo Chile. Want me to request Voodoo Chili next?


- It's your tv. That, and your HUUUUUUUUUUUGE... dvr selection.

- DUDE, the old ornery guy downstairs just asked me to have a beer with him. I was like, Naw, I'm still drinking coffee.

- Do we need the nunchucks or the throwing stars? I'll be there in 3 hours with a bitch-lynching posse in tow.

- Sacred you are not. I mean, neither am I.

- I brought my boobs tonight in case shit went down.

- I'm sitting alone. OH WAIT, I HAVE MY KNEE BRACE.

- Guys who get bj's from strippers = no point in jockin' their tip at all.

- I just had a shot called Sex With An Alligator. WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T ORDER ONE. IT TASTES LIKE FEET!

- Bumped into Hatchet Face yet?

- Riding down the road in Mississippi, listening to Color Me Badd. Jealous?

- About to eat crawdads for the first time. Something about sucking the head?

- Starting the day off right with coffee, tamales, and Michael McDonald.

- I wish Eric and Bill from True Blood would take me to the mall.

- Does it turn you on when I make Journey references? Does the wheel in the sky keep on turn-ehn?

- A kool aid pickle? A caesar salad? A steak sandwich? Spooge?

- Yeah, I'd let him lick my face.

Saturday, May 08, 2010

Okay, okay, so I'm not writing nearly enough these days. Life has been nutty.

With the divorce, and Jason's dad dying, and my being so preoccupied with Eric, and life going on as usual with Reed and the daily grind, and job-searching, I've been a little low, a little crazy, a little emotional, irrational, scared, excited, hopeful, pretty much every human emotion (and some non-human ones) that you can think of.

My mom is getting a book published, called Sweet Music On Moonlight Ridge, and we're all really excited about it. I took some photos of her holding a possum at Ruffner Mountain, and she's using one of those for her author photo. It's really a lovely story, and I'm so proud of my mom for persevering and making this happen.

Eric took me to the Beale Street Music Festival in Memphis last weekend, and it was a LOT of fun, except for some outrageous inclement weather. Rain and rain and rain and rain and wind and supposedly a tornado. But we saw Jerry Lee Lewis, which was one of the coolest shows I've ever seen ever.

Then yesterday I got my nose pierced. Yep. I'd been thinking about it for years, and yesterday I woke up and said, "Well, today I'm going to get my nose pierced." And HOLY FUCK, the blood. I'd forgotten what a free-bleeder I am when I get pierced. And the adrenaline, jeez. But I'm loving it, even if it did HURT SO BAD.

I'm not sure what the future holds; my expectations and predictions change constantly, every day almost, and it's really frightening. But all I can do now is go with it. So here's to two months, to girls' night, to divorce papers, to Mississippi, to Alabama, to kids, to beer, to nachos, and sharp needles. Love y'all. Thanks for not giving up on me.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

So the day that I wrote here last, Jason called and cussed me out about the blog, and then two days later did it again. Consequently I've changed the blog to invite-only. If you know anybody I should invite, let me know, because it makes me happy for people to be reading.

Last week was just awful. I was a self-involved mess for most of it (what else is new?), but I think, ONCE AGAIN, that I've come out the other side.

It just felt so lonely and wrong and odd to be floating around over here not knowing what was going on with Jason's family at such a terrible time in their lives. The funeral was Saturday, and guess what? I didn't go. I intended to, but Jason told me it was at 3 when it was actually at 2. I think it was probably just a mistake on his part; he's never been good at details. I was really nervous about going; with the divorce, seeing his family was going to be really hard, and seeing Julia sitting with them was going to be even harder. But I still needed it for closure, to be able to say goodbye- not just to Big John, but to the Agans. Looks like I'm going to have to find that closure somehow within myself.

Jason told Reed on Friday, and he seems to have handled it remarkably well. He's brought it up once or twice, but he doesn't seem too distraught about it, which is a good thing. Plus I think Reed's too busy SUCKING MY WILL TO LIVE; he's prioritizing, see? He has been so energetic and wild lately, I have a lot of trouble keeping up. Jason has suddenly decided that he ought to be spending more time with Reed, and I agree. They hung out last night, and when they got home, Reed sung us Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes in Spanish and it was one of the cutest things I've ever seen. Knowing, seeing for real that Reed will be fine, makes me feel much lighter during such a heavy time.

Eric, my boy in Mississippi, has changed things for me in so many ways it's hard to count. I feel optimistic. If you know me, you know that that means THE APOCALYPSE BE COMIN', Y'ALL, TAKE COVER. We talk every day- as evidenced by my $8657 phone bill THANKS T-MOBILE- and we text a lot. I've never attempted a long-distance anything, so this is all a learning process for me. A yearning, bittersweet, shallow-breathing learning process, but a learning process nonetheless. He is so cute, and so sweet, and he makes jokes. AND LAUGHS. JOKES AND LAUGHS. I can't tell you what a breath of fresh air this is, to be with someone who knows how to look for silver linings, who knows how to be goofy, who knows how to make me smile every single day. Luckily he's only about three hours away, so we can visit a lot. I didn't get to go see him last weekend, but you better believe I'm going out there this weekend. We're going to have tamales for breakfast and drink beer and goof off in his living room floor and make out AND MAKE OUT AND MAKE OUT, and I can't wait.

So, you know, if you see a crazy lady burning up the road towards Kosciusko this Friday, just stay outta my way.

Thursday, April 08, 2010

Well, it seems to be three steps forward, two steps back around here.

Jason's dad died night-before-last. He wasn't the healthiest person ever as far as his lifestyle, but he hadn't been sick that I know of, hadn't had heart problems or anything of that nature. It was pretty unexpected. He was around 60, I believe.

John was the first member of Jason's family that I met after we started seeing each other, and he immediately welcomed me into the family when everyone else was hesitant, as Jason was going through a nasty divorce at the time. He treated me with kindness and respect. We joked and laughed and drank beer together, and picked on each other and hugged each other. John would hug me until I thought my bones would break into pieces.

Only a few weeks ago I dropped Reed off at John's (where Jason is living now) and John hugged me and told me he loved and missed me.

The grief I'm feeling now is only intensified by the fact that I'm not really a part of their family any more, can't go to them and hug them and cry with them and remember John. I mean, I guess I could, but I haven't been invited and no one has been calling me. I feel awfully lonely, out here by myself, no one to commiserate with. I called Jason's mom and left a shaky, weepy message asking her to please let me know if there is anything at all that I can do. I haven't heard back from her. It's probably unfair of me to be having these thoughts and feelings, but it feels wrong some how not to be involved in this process with them. John was my father-in-law for 6 years, and the ink isn't dry on the divorce papers, and he was Reed's grandaddy John.

Oh, God, and Reed. I don't know if it's because of Jason's leaving and the divorce and all, but he's been asking a lot of questions about death lately. "Are you going to die? Is Ma going to die? When? I don't want Ma to die, because I love her." All I've known to tell him is that everybody dies, but it's when they're very, very old, and it's going to be a very long time before Ma or I die, that we'll be old, old, old. And now someone has to be like, "Except grandaddy John! He died. But no one else will for a long, long time." I feel like a liar, a failure, lost, wrong.

Also Jason has asked specifically that he gets to tell Reed. But now I'm left to wait and wonder, when? When will he tell him? Because there are no plans anytime in the next several days for Jason to see Reed. And while I don't know for sure, I bet all the other grandchildren have been told already. No one has called to talk to Reed, or visited him.

I think I'm just selfishly feeling like the outcast, and I'm fearing that Reed is going to be cast out with me. I'm absolutely dizzy right now with too many thoughts, too much confusion. I just wish I could do something, could help them right now. But I suppose that's just my place any more.

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

So then, new life, first installment.

Divorce papers were signed on Friday. I spent the weekend with my new boy from Mississippi and Reed. We went to the park and the McWane Center and ate lunch at my favorite Mexican restaurant, and at night we housesat for Chris and Kristi and drank beers on the back porch and listened to music and talked and talked. And talked.

I'm feeling prepared, ready, unafraid, in ways that I wouldn't have expected, ways that I am thanking God for.

I have to keep up the job search, have to keep being there for Reed and taking care of him, keep doing the laundry and the dishes and all that other daily stuff. But now there's something else behind it, incentive, excitement, satisfaction, purpose, that wasn't there before. For all I know it WAS there before and I just didn't see it, couldn't find it, something; all I know is it's there now and I like it.

This coming weekend I'm going to Mississippi, spending one night in Jackson to see a band with the boy, and the other night in Kosciusko at the boy's apartment, cooking and talking and drinking and, let's face it, making out a little bit. Or a lotta bit, whichever. I can't wait for Friday, can't wait to see his face, to hear his voice, smell his neck, to play with his dog, to sit on his couch.

Right now the only real concern I have is Jason and his fading connection with Reed. He never calls, never asks to see him. I call him and ask if he wants to hang out with his son, and he seems indifferent, annoyed, put-out. I can't understand it, because he's always been a fantastic, enthusiastic father, and somehow that's changed, and it scares the shit out of me. I mean, our marriage is over, he can piss me off all day long and I'll get over it, but Reed is 4 years old, young and fragile and scared and confused, and this is a crucial time for Jason to reassure him that their love will never change. I fear that he's not realizing how his attitude affects Reed, how Reed can tell how angry and bitter and resentful Jason is.

But, for right now, all I can do is keep encouraging Jason to see Reed, keep telling Reed how much we both love him, that we're not going anywhere, that we'll always be his parents, always love him. And keep moving on with my life, with Reed in tow. We'll be alright, we just might hit a few speed bumps on the way.

Thursday, April 01, 2010

Wow. Wow. I don't know how to start.

In the middle of January, Jason left me. He came home from work one day and said he thought we should separate, that he needed some time alone, and I cried and begged and pleaded and told him I loved him and wanted to be with him and Reed needs his dad and so on. That evening I went to Kristi's and tried to work it out in my head and couldn't come up with much. The next morning he told me he didn't want to separate, he wanted a divorce. I totally fell apart. I cried and puked and begged and cried some more. I didn't eat for days. I cried for days.

The only thing that kept me from totally falling off the deep end was Reed, daily routine, stuff to do. And being unemployed, there wasn't always stuff to do. I see-sawed back and forth between dealing and totally not dealing. Well, honestly the other thing that kept me from falling off the deepend was my collection of the best girls on the planet, my girls, who would answer the phone any time, answer my crazy texts at any time, and remind me that this, RIGHT HERE, is reality, and I can deal with it and move on.

And that right there, the fact that my only option was to deal with it and move on, was the hardest to grasp. I kept waiting for Jason to come to his senses, to realize that he couldn't live without me, to realize that he'd made a terrible mistake, to realize how terrible this would be for Reed. But over the weeks it slowly and painfully became clear that that wasn't going to happen.

It took about a week for me to nag Jason into admitting he was spending time with someone else, 13 days for me to badger Jason into admitting that he was fucking her. The night that he admitted that, he told me that I'm crazy, that I have problems, why wouldn't I just let him go, that I was abnormal for wanting to know what he was doing and who he was with.

Julia, the girl that Jason is with now, is someone we've had problems with in the past. I never wrote about it, because I wanted to keep some part of our lives private. Two years ago Jason and I were having some marital problems, and it came to my attention that he'd taken nude photos of a girl without my knowledge, and that he'd been talking to people he worked with pretty extensively about our marriage, to the point where a few girls he worked with were encouraging him to leave me. Keep in mind that these were girls who had only met me a few times and didn't know me or our marriage at all. One of those was Julia. Once all that came to light, I looked at our cell phone records and realized that he and Julia had been texting each other a whole lot for some time, sometimes 30 and 40 times a day. I told Jason that I thought it was unfair for him to talk about our marriage to his manager, who also was younger and had no children and had never been married and didn't know me at all. He claimed that all that texting was just about work, that they were just friends, that nothing was going on. He went on to make fun of her, to tell me that she had no sense of humor at all, that she was dull and boring and snobby, stuck-up, had no personality. He put a stop to the texting, even though she openly threw a fit about it, in front of other co-workers, enough that people were asking what the hell was going on.

It took me a couple of months, but I got over it. Jason reassured me that he loved me, would never leave me, wanted only me, was committed to me and Reed and our marriage.

Fast-forward to him telling me that he wanted to separate. I looked at our cell records and found that he and Julia were talking again. When I asked him about it, his response was, "She's just being there for me. We're friends, and nothing else." It was about a week after that that I found out he was spending the night at her house. It was a few days after that that he admitted they were sleeping together.

Then about two months later he started telling my friends that he "has deep, strong feelings" for Julia that he's had "for a very long time". About a week after he left me, he admitted that he thought about moving to California with her. Now he's pressuring me to allow Reed to hang out with her. I have to say, I have a lot of reservations. It's not because it's Jason's new girlfriend; it's because it's a girl who has been after my husband for years, a girl who has met Reed and knows we had a life and child and a history and didn't give a fuck about it.

Also, really, who would want him? Jason now has two divorces; he's left two woman and three children behind. Is this what's attractive now?

And this isn't even getting into all the bullshit he's fed me. Two weeks before he left, I could tell something was wrong, and I asked, "What's going on? Are you going to leave me?" His response: "I love you. I would never leave you. You're stuck with me. I'm not going anywhere." And that ain't paraphrasing; that's what he told me.

The day he left, I asked him if he could please not date anyone until after we were divorced, if that was what was going to happen. He said yes.

Anyway, here we are. We're signing the papers tomorrow. I've been through a lot in a short amount of time. I've cried and begged and despaired and grieved and begged some more and pleaded and lamented and feared and avoided and every other possible option. But I think, I think, that I've come to terms. I don't want to be with Jason if he doesn't love me any more, which I'm pretty sure is the case. I don't want an unhappy marriage, I don't want Jason with me out of obligation. My love for him was so intense and all-encompassing that it was hard for me to see out of it, hard for me to see a way to exist without him in my life. Fortunately for me I have Reed and my girls, so I've made it.

And I've made it to a really, really happy place. I know that there will probably be more sadness, more loss felt, but right now I'm able to truthfully say, "Okay, this if life, this is what's happened, and I'm better off because of it."

I've met a boy.

I've met a boy.

I'm not sure what to say about it right now. I can say that he makes me laugh, makes me feel light, makes me feel like there is a lot of life to live that I haven't even had a taste of yet. He makes me feel like I am lovely, have something to offer, am worthwhile, that I have worth. He makes me feel like the way I am is okay, is better than okay, is desirable. I am remembering that I am funny, smart, pretty, fun. I am remembering that I am good mother, that I am responsible, that I am good. I am remembering that I am good.

I am remembering that I am good. Goddamnit for it taking a boy to make me remember it, but isn't it good that I remembered? I think so.

We'll see what happens from here. I'm just happy to be happy. To be able to laugh and smile without feeling scared, guilty, about it. To be able to look forward, without shame. To be able to yearn in a happy way, instead of in a sad way. To be able to talk to someone who is excited about what's to come.

I'm back, for anyone who might still look here. I ain't going anywhere. Except maybe to Mississippi.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Cleaning out my text messages.

- Who shit on this carpet?

- I wasn't prepared to set up a velvet rope at your funeral.

- Lord, the end is near. I just caught myself singing Nickelback. I hate myself.

- I just googled how to tell the difference between gray and blonde hair. It's harder than you think and google is USELESS.

- I just "fixed" my Uggs. Most I've done all day outside of karaoke.

- I totally wouldn't kick trainer Bob outta bed... but I don't have a penis so I don't think he'd be into it.

- I've never wanted to get someone, besides me, laid more in my life.

- Man, I just wanna chain smoke and drink beers. Merry Christmas.

- I got a feeling he works on a dairy farm.

- The fact that in that diagram the anus was represented by the green light = DIAGRAM FAIL.

- Dude, I just bought a puffy silver vest for $3 THANK GOD I'VE NEEDED ONE FOR SO LONG.

- The girl to your left is a hot-ass mess.

- Wet, slide, thighs, shaft, quivering. These are your sexting words!

- I'm on my knees in the dirt at work, and I'm slipping in vomit when I play. Why would I buy $100 jeans?

- I'm at Walmart and the car parked in front of me has 10- TEN- air fresheners hanging on the rear view.

- There's a black man! Yay! Leeds ain't racist!

- No on likes a butt munch!

- Jason is sitting here looking up and watching Lady Gaga videos on Youtube. Hello, apocalypse.

- My mom's playing her Hall and Oates Christmas album. Fuck yeah, Merry Christmas!

- Whatever. If you wanna dance me off, I'll serve you.

- I love that Chris' shorts are the deciding factor.

- My kid just punched me in the stomach even after I told him I'm not feeling well. NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE IMPORTANCE OF BIRTH CONTROL.

- Now it's watery pickle poop in his pants.

- Wa-oh. I am wearing a lot of make-up.

- You need to send me dirty texts.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Lindsey sent this to me, and I love it.

My favorite part is "Imagine ten thousand flies simultaneously grabbing you."

Monday, January 11, 2010

The other night Jason asked if I had any new blog posts coming up, and all I could think was, "..."

Life for me has been a mindless routine lately, a lot of Get up, Get Reed to school, Clean kitchen, Do laundry, Apply for jobs, Dinner, Get Reed ready for bed, Mess around for a while, Go to bed.

I've been unemployed for just over 4 months now, I've applied for lots and lots of jobs in lots of different fields, and I haven't had a single interview.

Today I'm feeling just a bit discouraged and pessimistic. It's dramatic to say, but I've been constantly haunted lately by decisions, bad and good, mine and those of others, and how they've changed our lives in the past couple of years. I'm having a lot of nightmares, not sleeping well, feeling anxious and pukey, stuck, impotent. The logical part of me knows that things will change, get better, but there's still a tiny part of me that just can't see out of this right now.

Anyway, there's my magical post for today. We're headed to Mobile to photograph a wedding at the end of this month, and I'm looking forward to getting out of town for a couple of days. Perhaps I'll be able to clear my head a bit then.