Monday, January 18, 2010

Cleaning out my text messages.

- Who shit on this carpet?

- I wasn't prepared to set up a velvet rope at your funeral.

- Lord, the end is near. I just caught myself singing Nickelback. I hate myself.

- I just googled how to tell the difference between gray and blonde hair. It's harder than you think and google is USELESS.

- I just "fixed" my Uggs. Most I've done all day outside of karaoke.

- I totally wouldn't kick trainer Bob outta bed... but I don't have a penis so I don't think he'd be into it.

- I've never wanted to get someone, besides me, laid more in my life.

- Man, I just wanna chain smoke and drink beers. Merry Christmas.

- I got a feeling he works on a dairy farm.

- The fact that in that diagram the anus was represented by the green light = DIAGRAM FAIL.

- Dude, I just bought a puffy silver vest for $3 THANK GOD I'VE NEEDED ONE FOR SO LONG.

- The girl to your left is a hot-ass mess.

- Wet, slide, thighs, shaft, quivering. These are your sexting words!

- I'm on my knees in the dirt at work, and I'm slipping in vomit when I play. Why would I buy $100 jeans?

- I'm at Walmart and the car parked in front of me has 10- TEN- air fresheners hanging on the rear view.

- There's a black man! Yay! Leeds ain't racist!

- No on likes a butt munch!

- Jason is sitting here looking up and watching Lady Gaga videos on Youtube. Hello, apocalypse.

- My mom's playing her Hall and Oates Christmas album. Fuck yeah, Merry Christmas!

- Whatever. If you wanna dance me off, I'll serve you.

- I love that Chris' shorts are the deciding factor.

- My kid just punched me in the stomach even after I told him I'm not feeling well. NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE IMPORTANCE OF BIRTH CONTROL.

- Now it's watery pickle poop in his pants.

- Wa-oh. I am wearing a lot of make-up.

- You need to send me dirty texts.

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