Cleaning out my text messages.

- Smite me, motherfucker!

- In the summertime, I really like for the Asians to be all over my feet.

- Women are only good at 3 things: cooking, cleaning, and vaginas.

- I PUT ON MY BEST. MOCCASINS.

- There aren't any blow jobs in your stocking.

- I wasn't sure what I was looking at until it ejaculated.

- I hope you know the Heimlich because I'm gonna put my bike in it.

- You look like a douche bag.

- Beer goggles: it's what's for dinner.

- They're smokin' weed outta meat?

- They all love hunting. That, and fucking their daughters.

- My toes are exhausted.

- At least we haven't loaded up to drive to Mississippi and kill that asshole and his dumbass dog.

- I miss the rains down in Africa.

- I'm live right now and that makes me important. Or that's what my mom tells me.

- I'm, like, a man. Or at least 75% man.

- Nice to know you two are discussing my junk.

- "Homeless Entrepreneurs and Anorexic Geeks" is the title of my new autobiography.

- My autobiography would be titled "What the Fuck Just Happened?" Wait, maybe that would be my tombstone.

- Sometimes I like to NOT have to say I'LL KILL YOU IF YOU DRUG ME when I go to the bathroom.

- Mama's drunk. You wasted time arguing with me GAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

- I ALREADY TOLD YOU I'M IN DIRTY JEANS WITH SWOLE EYES. I'M IN ALL CAPS SO CLEARLY I'M VERY SERIOUS.

- COME ON. Break out of your mold. HANG OUT WITH DRUNK GIRLS.

- You have a poor, single mom offering to buy you drinks.

- YOU COULD BE THE NEXT PERSON I PUT MY BUTT ON!!!

- I'm trying to theduthe you.

- I hate dudes. Why don't you live here? I was more shaking my fist at the heavens than actually asking you.

- You still hiding in a dressing room?

- You're a sultry minx.

- Reed just taught Chris how to use a doorknob to open a door. No joke.

- I don't think he can penetrate me from the next state.

- I'm tired of bald pussies. I want a real woman.

- I make cunnilingus-in-the-bar-bathroom promises.

- I'll wine and dine you. But I expect, at least, fellatio.

- There was a faggot in bed with us!

- You could BE that Coke Icee.

- Okay, apparently a dude is about to show up who is a dairy farmer AND has four nipples. CAN'T YOU COME WITNESS THIS?

- We have rimming syrup.

- I SWALLOW AND I LOVE TO SWALLOW AND SWALLOWING ROCKS.

- They're about to smoke pot out of a potato.

- You only like me because I'm reading a book about turn-of-the-century Midwesterners.

- I wasn't making fun of Jerusalem. I decided I was too scared.

- The last time I was there I arrested a waitress.

- Why is he cocky? He's from Mississippi.

- Oh, wait, you mean you don't literally have a pine cone in your ass?

- I like it rough. Punch me in the face.

- Why do I have to be a jackass?

- I like letting gay guys bite me.

Cleaning out my text messages.

- I received my first shocker last night.

- Just like negroes, all amputees know each other.

- There is a cute, young ONE-ARMED DUDE working the toll booth today. He used his nub to count my change.

- Snap him up and then y'all can have a brood of Virginian, White supremacist babies.

- OH HOLY FUCK DUDE. SON IN LAW IS ON.

- I ran into that fucking d-bag who ran our tab up to $65 and I tried to kick him.

- Oh, drunk bitches, I was you once, before I got old and found out going to bed and eating Krystals with my bff was way better.

- I just had some 5-foot Mexican be all YOU SMELL GOOD and I was like I KNOW BITCH IT'S CHANEL.

- I'm gonna smoke another cigarette and then go pass out next to a dude wearing make-up.

- I'm reading Dorothy Parker at the bar. I feel like Alabama's number 1 loser alcoholic.

- The band is playing Voodoo Chile. Want me to request Voodoo Chili next?

- FUCKIN HELL YES DINKIN FLICKA

- It's your tv. That, and your HUUUUUUUUUUUGE... dvr selection.

- DUDE, the old ornery guy downstairs just asked me to have a beer with him. I was like, Naw, I'm still drinking coffee.

- Do we need the nunchucks or the throwing stars? I'll be there in 3 hours with a bitch-lynching posse in tow.

- Sacred you are not. I mean, neither am I.

- I brought my boobs tonight in case shit went down.

- I'm sitting alone. OH WAIT, I HAVE MY KNEE BRACE.

- Guys who get bj's from strippers = no point in jockin' their tip at all.

- I just had a shot called Sex With An Alligator. WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T ORDER ONE. IT TASTES LIKE FEET!

- Bumped into Hatchet Face yet?

- Riding down the road in Mississippi, listening to Color Me Badd. Jealous?

- About to eat crawdads for the first time. Something about sucking the head?

- Starting the day off right with coffee, tamales, and Michael McDonald.

- I wish Eric and Bill from True Blood would take me to the mall.

- Does it turn you on when I make Journey references? Does the wheel in the sky keep on turn-ehn?

- A kool aid pickle? A caesar salad? A steak sandwich? Spooge?

- Yeah, I'd let him lick my face.

Cleaning out my text messages.

- Who shit on this carpet?

- I wasn't prepared to set up a velvet rope at your funeral.

- Lord, the end is near. I just caught myself singing Nickelback. I hate myself.

- I just googled how to tell the difference between gray and blonde hair. It's harder than you think and google is USELESS.

- I just "fixed" my Uggs. Most I've done all day outside of karaoke.

- I totally wouldn't kick trainer Bob outta bed... but I don't have a penis so I don't think he'd be into it.

- I've never wanted to get someone, besides me, laid more in my life.

- Man, I just wanna chain smoke and drink beers. Merry Christmas.

- I got a feeling he works on a dairy farm.

- The fact that in that diagram the anus was represented by the green light = DIAGRAM FAIL.

- Dude, I just bought a puffy silver vest for $3 THANK GOD I'VE NEEDED ONE FOR SO LONG.

- The girl to your left is a hot-ass mess.

- Wet, slide, thighs, shaft, quivering. These are your sexting words!

- I'm on my knees in the dirt at work, and I'm slipping in vomit when I play. Why would I buy $100 jeans?

- I'm at Walmart and the car parked in front of me has 10- TEN- air fresheners hanging on the rear view.

- There's a black man! Yay! Leeds ain't racist!

- No on likes a butt munch!

- Jason is sitting here looking up and watching Lady Gaga videos on Youtube. Hello, apocalypse.

- My mom's playing her Hall and Oates Christmas album. Fuck yeah, Merry Christmas!

- Whatever. If you wanna dance me off, I'll serve you.

- I love that Chris' shorts are the deciding factor.

- My kid just punched me in the stomach even after I told him I'm not feeling well. NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE IMPORTANCE OF BIRTH CONTROL.

- Now it's watery pickle poop in his pants.

- Wa-oh. I am wearing a lot of make-up.

- You need to send me dirty texts.

Cleaning out my text messages.

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Cleaning out my text messages.

- Should I be this excited about applying for a job that, in the listing, has a job "discription"?

- That's okay, yankee, go ahead and shoot me. It's hot outside and I don't wanna milk the cow.

- I guess I should suck it up. : * That's an emoticon of sucking.

- The hipsters have invaded Trussville. I repeat, the hipsters have invaded. Over.

- I've spent all day writing about anal fistulas. It's not the same as a fissure, which was my hope.

- You gay fucking gypsies.

- I wish I knew how to read.

- Rad! Fuck em! WE ALREADY BEEN GOTTEN OUT!

- And here's a pirate sucking it up: . *

- Oh, Lord, and the cooking and the walking and the shooting and the turkey-plucking. The Civil War was GROSS, dude.

- We at ur hows, steelin ur theengs. That's lol cat.

- The guys who aren't worth stalking are stalking you.

- Hipsters in Trussville! How did they ever get in?

- I GOT this shit. I am so ghetto.

- "What you about to learn is they ain't no balm in Gilead."

Cleaning out my text messages.

- So, everyone has nipple hair. I feel so vindicated.

- BE COOL IS IT THE FUZZ

- I wouldn't talk to Alan Hunter about Mtv because I try not to reward people's mediocrity. How sad it must be to have peaked in the 80's.

- This thing is kind of a celebration in kissing your own ass. I've never seen so many self important assholes walking around, smiling smugly at one another.

- I just got Chik Fil A because I was craving it like a business of ferrets.

- I guess my dead Phish spell hasn't quite kicked in yet.

- You have no idea how often I've wished you were here this afternoon specifically to YELL shitty dick at people.

- I AM LIKE CUCUMBER

- I just had a shot of tequila. You people should be concerned.

- 'slam on my breaks'- is that like 'devaining shrimp'?

- I am craving a hillock of beans.

- A hotdog just told me to do the wave.

- My lovecan's wasted.

Cleaning out my text messages.

- So many douchebags, so little time.

- I FOLLOW THROUGH WITH MY HYPERBOLE, BITCH!

- Can you or would you be willing to ghostbust?

- BUFFY. There's a girl in Wal-Mart who is the TRUE embodiment of 10 lbs of shit in a 5 lb bag.

- Why do good hair days only happen on days when you have nothing to do but watch Gilmore Girls and eat slices of turkey lunch meat?

- I want a baby. What? Did that come out?

- My mom watches some dumbass soap opera and she's watching it now and I looked up and there's Kevin Arnold's mom, being a skanky ho.

- I am wearing shorts with a one-inch inseam and a Snapped t shirt. I think this qualifies as letting oneself go. I had an icecream sandwich for lunch.

- You can just lick the doorknob.

- Is she a Republican? Does she like Nickelback?

- I feel like a big dirty whore most of the time. I embrace my big dirty whoreness.

- I just folded your dumbass linens. I should be getting paid.

- I am dismayed by the youth.

- I feel like a prized asshole.

- Your lame leg is somebody else's pot o' gold!

- Gutter is a tool! Gutter is a tool!

- Hangover, I am your bitch lover.

- Dick Cheney: still a douche.

Cleaning out my text messages.

- Oh my God! I hope you partied with pork at City Stages!

- Shole is. We have been tipsy since noon. I washed my hairs.

- Oh vodka. You my only friend.

- Evil baby! Hillbilly baby!

- I love your couch/why don't you have a pool?

- We can tell you about usufructuary, riparian and littoral water rights. Fun! Can you shoot me?

- I just realized I haven't washed my hair since last Saturday. My scalp be itchin.

- I just bought a 32 ounce Dr. Pepper and I still don't think it's gonna be enough.

- Lelaina really should have worn a bra with her doily dress.

- I was thinking a crossbow, but any port in a storm!

Cleaning out my text messages.

- I finally grew a pair and cut my bangs and now it looks like I shaved a hedgehog in my sink.

- You have no idea about the REDWOOD I just pooped.

- I am a mortar GOD!

- Team Colonel Ingus!

- HOTTUB spelled backward is BUTTOH.

- Oh my god! Why aren't you a spoon in Ohio?

- Holy shit! Do you feel like you're living an inauthentic life?

- Pink straws: packed.

- And that's why they call me the shocker!

- I'll guard you both from the rear.

- *smacking noises smacking noises gross mouth noises*

- So now I am just texting to pretend I am not a fork in Ohio.

- You are paaaaaaaaaht of the rebel alliance and a traitor!

- He's a hypnotist of ladies.

- Real Raybans or testicles over my eyes?

- NUCULAR.

The idea for this post came from Sarah.

Cleaning out my text messages...

- Bottletree. Soul dj. No cover.

- Victoria Beckham has a two million dollar vibrator. It's solid platinum with a diamond-encrusted base and a 16 karat diamond necklace which begs the question- a necklace? Really?

- I just got blatantly and obviously hit on by a middle aged Greek dude who sounded like Balkie and looked like my uncle. FAIL.

- I bought a vest last night. I'm not sure what's become of me but I love it.

- Side bun is our band name.

- Out the side doe, with the other hootchies.

- Watch Fox 6 news to see my ass selling flowers.

- I love seeing rich ladies jogging in Mountain Brook, almost falling over from all the Prozac.

- Oo, yur like the sun, chasin all the rain away.

- Want to come watch me cry, drink, and make cufflinks?

- I just got off work and am driving through a monsoon. I'll call you when I find out if we are going to make it.

*And yes, the idea to post these came from Miss Sara.