Thursday, June 10, 2010

"Burning bridges shore to shore."

Hm. Well, I wrote a few months ago that I would probably sink back into some depression and sadness before all was said and done, and it's happened.

The past month or so has been really awful for me. Things didn't work out with Eric, and a close friend and I have had a pretty intense falling-out, and somehow in the midst I started yearning, really desperately wanting, Jason to come home.

Jason and Julia moved in together a couple of months ago, and since then he and I have had a lot of trouble communicating. He blames me for his financial troubles because he has to pay me child support. He also has cut way back on seeing Reed, and their (Jason's and Reed's) relationship is suffering because of it. He's yelled and cussed and blamed and made fun until I've started to feel like we might not ever be able to speak to each other civilly. He also told me that he in no way needs therapy because he "doesn't have any problems". MUST BE NICE, ASSHOLE.

I, on the other hand, have some problems. It started about the time Jason's dad died- feeling really, terribly sad, lonely, wrong, stupid, ugly, worthless, useless, invisible. It progressed to throwing up almost every time I eat, having nightmares about Jason and Julia almost every time I sleep, shaking, aching, feeling just terrible.

And that's where I am now. I have days where I suddenly feel better, a little happier, more able to cope, but they are the exception, not the norm. Coping is just so difficult right now, because the way I want to cope (sleeping and resting) isn't working for me- it's working against me (what with the nightmares). I know I'll get better, that this will pass; it's just really intense and unsettling right now.

I'm still seeing a counselor, and I like and trust her a lot, and she really is helping me. She says I need to get in touch with my anger and figure out a good way to get it out. I haven't stumbled onto the way to do that yet. I mean, I definitely feel angry, and I certainly have talked through a lot of it with my friends and family. But it's still in there, festering. If, in the next few days, I post some letters here that have a startling amount of bad words and blaming and whining, just cut me some slack.

I'm still here. I'm still here. I'M STILL HERE. MOTHERFUCKERS. Sorry; mantra. For the longest time my mantra had been I got this. That doesn't feel like it applies any more. So, for right now, I suppose it's I'm working on this. I hope y'all will stick with me until I manage to stumble out the other side.