Cleaning out my text messages.

- Smite me, motherfucker!

- In the summertime, I really like for the Asians to be all over my feet.

- Women are only good at 3 things: cooking, cleaning, and vaginas.

- I PUT ON MY BEST. MOCCASINS.

- There aren't any blow jobs in your stocking.

- I wasn't sure what I was looking at until it ejaculated.

- I hope you know the Heimlich because I'm gonna put my bike in it.

- You look like a douche bag.

- Beer goggles: it's what's for dinner.

- They're smokin' weed outta meat?

- They all love hunting. That, and fucking their daughters.

- My toes are exhausted.

- At least we haven't loaded up to drive to Mississippi and kill that asshole and his dumbass dog.

- I miss the rains down in Africa.

- I'm live right now and that makes me important. Or that's what my mom tells me.

- I'm, like, a man. Or at least 75% man.

- Nice to know you two are discussing my junk.

- "Homeless Entrepreneurs and Anorexic Geeks" is the title of my new autobiography.

- My autobiography would be titled "What the Fuck Just Happened?" Wait, maybe that would be my tombstone.

- Sometimes I like to NOT have to say I'LL KILL YOU IF YOU DRUG ME when I go to the bathroom.

- Mama's drunk. You wasted time arguing with me GAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

- I ALREADY TOLD YOU I'M IN DIRTY JEANS WITH SWOLE EYES. I'M IN ALL CAPS SO CLEARLY I'M VERY SERIOUS.

- COME ON. Break out of your mold. HANG OUT WITH DRUNK GIRLS.

- You have a poor, single mom offering to buy you drinks.

- YOU COULD BE THE NEXT PERSON I PUT MY BUTT ON!!!

- I'm trying to theduthe you.

- I hate dudes. Why don't you live here? I was more shaking my fist at the heavens than actually asking you.

- You still hiding in a dressing room?

- You're a sultry minx.

- Reed just taught Chris how to use a doorknob to open a door. No joke.

- I don't think he can penetrate me from the next state.

- I'm tired of bald pussies. I want a real woman.

- I make cunnilingus-in-the-bar-bathroom promises.

- I'll wine and dine you. But I expect, at least, fellatio.

- There was a faggot in bed with us!

- You could BE that Coke Icee.

- Okay, apparently a dude is about to show up who is a dairy farmer AND has four nipples. CAN'T YOU COME WITNESS THIS?

- We have rimming syrup.

- I SWALLOW AND I LOVE TO SWALLOW AND SWALLOWING ROCKS.

- They're about to smoke pot out of a potato.

- You only like me because I'm reading a book about turn-of-the-century Midwesterners.

- I wasn't making fun of Jerusalem. I decided I was too scared.

- The last time I was there I arrested a waitress.

- Why is he cocky? He's from Mississippi.

- Oh, wait, you mean you don't literally have a pine cone in your ass?

- I like it rough. Punch me in the face.

- Why do I have to be a jackass?

- I like letting gay guys bite me.

Cleaning out my text messages.

- I received my first shocker last night.

- Just like negroes, all amputees know each other.

- There is a cute, young ONE-ARMED DUDE working the toll booth today. He used his nub to count my change.

- Snap him up and then y'all can have a brood of Virginian, White supremacist babies.

- OH HOLY FUCK DUDE. SON IN LAW IS ON.

- I ran into that fucking d-bag who ran our tab up to $65 and I tried to kick him.

- Oh, drunk bitches, I was you once, before I got old and found out going to bed and eating Krystals with my bff was way better.

- I just had some 5-foot Mexican be all YOU SMELL GOOD and I was like I KNOW BITCH IT'S CHANEL.

- I'm gonna smoke another cigarette and then go pass out next to a dude wearing make-up.

- I'm reading Dorothy Parker at the bar. I feel like Alabama's number 1 loser alcoholic.

- The band is playing Voodoo Chile. Want me to request Voodoo Chili next?

- FUCKIN HELL YES DINKIN FLICKA

- It's your tv. That, and your HUUUUUUUUUUUGE... dvr selection.

- DUDE, the old ornery guy downstairs just asked me to have a beer with him. I was like, Naw, I'm still drinking coffee.

- Do we need the nunchucks or the throwing stars? I'll be there in 3 hours with a bitch-lynching posse in tow.

- Sacred you are not. I mean, neither am I.

- I brought my boobs tonight in case shit went down.

- I'm sitting alone. OH WAIT, I HAVE MY KNEE BRACE.

- Guys who get bj's from strippers = no point in jockin' their tip at all.

- I just had a shot called Sex With An Alligator. WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T ORDER ONE. IT TASTES LIKE FEET!

- Bumped into Hatchet Face yet?

- Riding down the road in Mississippi, listening to Color Me Badd. Jealous?

- About to eat crawdads for the first time. Something about sucking the head?

- Starting the day off right with coffee, tamales, and Michael McDonald.

- I wish Eric and Bill from True Blood would take me to the mall.

- Does it turn you on when I make Journey references? Does the wheel in the sky keep on turn-ehn?

- A kool aid pickle? A caesar salad? A steak sandwich? Spooge?

- Yeah, I'd let him lick my face.

Okay, okay, so I'm not writing nearly enough these days. Life has been nutty.

With the divorce, and Jason's dad dying, and my being so preoccupied with Eric, and life going on as usual with Reed and the daily grind, and job-searching, I've been a little low, a little crazy, a little emotional, irrational, scared, excited, hopeful, pretty much every human emotion (and some non-human ones) that you can think of.

My mom is getting a book published, called Sweet Music On Moonlight Ridge, and we're all really excited about it. I took some photos of her holding a possum at Ruffner Mountain, and she's using one of those for her author photo. It's really a lovely story, and I'm so proud of my mom for persevering and making this happen.

Eric took me to the Beale Street Music Festival in Memphis last weekend, and it was a LOT of fun, except for some outrageous inclement weather. Rain and rain and rain and rain and wind and supposedly a tornado. But we saw Jerry Lee Lewis, which was one of the coolest shows I've ever seen ever.

Then yesterday I got my nose pierced. Yep. I'd been thinking about it for years, and yesterday I woke up and said, "Well, today I'm going to get my nose pierced." And HOLY FUCK, the blood. I'd forgotten what a free-bleeder I am when I get pierced. And the adrenaline, jeez. But I'm loving it, even if it did HURT SO BAD.

I'm not sure what the future holds; my expectations and predictions change constantly, every day almost, and it's really frightening. But all I can do now is go with it. So here's to two months, to girls' night, to divorce papers, to Mississippi, to Alabama, to kids, to beer, to nachos, and sharp needles. Love y'all. Thanks for not giving up on me.