Monday, May 17, 2010

Cleaning out my text messages.

- I received my first shocker last night.

- Just like negroes, all amputees know each other.

- There is a cute, young ONE-ARMED DUDE working the toll booth today. He used his nub to count my change.

- Snap him up and then y'all can have a brood of Virginian, White supremacist babies.

- OH HOLY FUCK DUDE. SON IN LAW IS ON.

- I ran into that fucking d-bag who ran our tab up to $65 and I tried to kick him.

- Oh, drunk bitches, I was you once, before I got old and found out going to bed and eating Krystals with my bff was way better.

- I just had some 5-foot Mexican be all YOU SMELL GOOD and I was like I KNOW BITCH IT'S CHANEL.

- I'm gonna smoke another cigarette and then go pass out next to a dude wearing make-up.

- I'm reading Dorothy Parker at the bar. I feel like Alabama's number 1 loser alcoholic.

- The band is playing Voodoo Chile. Want me to request Voodoo Chili next?

- FUCKIN HELL YES DINKIN FLICKA

- It's your tv. That, and your HUUUUUUUUUUUGE... dvr selection.

- DUDE, the old ornery guy downstairs just asked me to have a beer with him. I was like, Naw, I'm still drinking coffee.

- Do we need the nunchucks or the throwing stars? I'll be there in 3 hours with a bitch-lynching posse in tow.

- Sacred you are not. I mean, neither am I.

- I brought my boobs tonight in case shit went down.

- I'm sitting alone. OH WAIT, I HAVE MY KNEE BRACE.

- Guys who get bj's from strippers = no point in jockin' their tip at all.

- I just had a shot called Sex With An Alligator. WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T ORDER ONE. IT TASTES LIKE FEET!

- Bumped into Hatchet Face yet?

- Riding down the road in Mississippi, listening to Color Me Badd. Jealous?

- About to eat crawdads for the first time. Something about sucking the head?

- Starting the day off right with coffee, tamales, and Michael McDonald.

- I wish Eric and Bill from True Blood would take me to the mall.

- Does it turn you on when I make Journey references? Does the wheel in the sky keep on turn-ehn?

- A kool aid pickle? A caesar salad? A steak sandwich? Spooge?

- Yeah, I'd let him lick my face.

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