- I received my first shocker last night.
- Just like negroes, all amputees know each other.
- There is a cute, young ONE-ARMED DUDE working the toll booth today. He used his nub to count my change.
- Snap him up and then y'all can have a brood of Virginian, White supremacist babies.
- OH HOLY FUCK DUDE. SON IN LAW IS ON.
- I ran into that fucking d-bag who ran our tab up to $65 and I tried to kick him.
- Oh, drunk bitches, I was you once, before I got old and found out going to bed and eating Krystals with my bff was way better.
- I just had some 5-foot Mexican be all YOU SMELL GOOD and I was like I KNOW BITCH IT'S CHANEL.
- I'm gonna smoke another cigarette and then go pass out next to a dude wearing make-up.
- I'm reading Dorothy Parker at the bar. I feel like Alabama's number 1 loser alcoholic.
- The band is playing Voodoo Chile. Want me to request Voodoo Chili next?
- FUCKIN HELL YES DINKIN FLICKA
- It's your tv. That, and your HUUUUUUUUUUUGE... dvr selection.
- DUDE, the old ornery guy downstairs just asked me to have a beer with him. I was like, Naw, I'm still drinking coffee.
- Do we need the nunchucks or the throwing stars? I'll be there in 3 hours with a bitch-lynching posse in tow.
- Sacred you are not. I mean, neither am I.
- I brought my boobs tonight in case shit went down.
- I'm sitting alone. OH WAIT, I HAVE MY KNEE BRACE.
- Guys who get bj's from strippers = no point in jockin' their tip at all.
- I just had a shot called Sex With An Alligator. WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T ORDER ONE. IT TASTES LIKE FEET!
- Bumped into Hatchet Face yet?
- Riding down the road in Mississippi, listening to Color Me Badd. Jealous?
- About to eat crawdads for the first time. Something about sucking the head?
- Starting the day off right with coffee, tamales, and Michael McDonald.
- I wish Eric and Bill from True Blood would take me to the mall.
- Does it turn you on when I make Journey references? Does the wheel in the sky keep on turn-ehn?
- A kool aid pickle? A caesar salad? A steak sandwich? Spooge?
- Yeah, I'd let him lick my face.
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