True Schmutz.

An approximation of a tense scene in True Blood:

"I am not human. I am vampire. A lighter: you have one?"

"Non. But I do have this fireplace bread toaster. Let me show you it."

"Also, a Fresca. FUCK YOU! Holy shit. Are you high?"

"No. Well, yes."

*kiss kiss slurp slurp hump hump SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM*

"Are yawl tawkin' about SLAYVES? I KNOW YAWL AREN'T TAWKIN' 'BOUT NO SLAYVES!"

"What a whore what a whore what a whore scary vampires..."

"I can hear yawl! I can hear those thawts yawl hayuv! Yawl are awl hillbillehs! Gawd! Awl sex up a vampuhr any time Ah feel lahk eet!" *stomp stomp stomp* "Let me put awn my Renaissance Faire dress and run through a feeyeld."

*zip sweat sweat slurp slurp hump zip*

"Aw, Chrahst, yawl, Ah'm in luv with a vampuhr! Whut? That's MAH shit! You git outta mah house!"

"Whut thuh fuck ever- I do what Ah wawnt! Watch whawl Ah geek out and fuck sum bitches!"

Aaaaaaaand scene. Thank you.

Sadly, I still like this show.

So now we've stumbled into True Blood (no spoilers in this post, but there ARE spoilers in the Wikipedia article that is linked there, so if you aren't up to date on the series you could ruin some stuff if you read it JUST LIKE I DID MOTHERFUCKER). I kept hearing about it from various sources, so we Netflixed it and now we're hooked.

I suppose the best characterization of the show would be Southern gothic, vampire, sexy-sexy. Those are technical terms; for those of you who are laymen, I'm saying it's a lot of bad Southern accents and spooky music, sun and sweat, and pretty graphic sex scenes involving humans with humans, and humans with not-humans- namely, vampires. I'm sure there will eventually be vampires balling vampires, but I haven't gotten there yet so PLEASE DON'T SPOIL IT, FUCKERS.

I actually like it pretty well, because I am notoriously (notorious in my own head, at least) able to overlook melodrama, stereotyping, and REALLY FUCKING AWFUL dialogue spoken with about the WORST SOUTHERN ACCENTS I'VE EVER HEARD.

Seriously, Anna Paquin: not good at the Southern-speak. NOT. Stephen Moyer: one of the cutest boys I've ever seen (gah!), given some of the worst lines I've ever heard, not good at the Southern-speak. NOT NOT. Seriously, Sookie's holier-than-thou attitude along with Bill's I'm-a-Gentleman-of-the-Old-South phrasing get old pretty quickly. But I am able to overlook them in favor of the quirky, over-the-top plotlines- the love and lust, the mystery and murder, the feeling that there are massive things happening just under the surface, just where you can't quite see them.

The show does employ quite a few stereotypes which I can't decide if they're charmingly accurate, or frighteningly false and overused. There is the cute, ditzy Southern belle who is intelligent underneath it all; the Southern jock who gets all the girls; the bitter, angry black girl who wants to make sure everyone knows just how wronged she is; the kooky, gossipy grandma who always makes sweet tea or lemonade and cooks up three huge meals a day and always expects your best behavior; the gorgeous whore who is witty, self-important, and, above all, horny; and of course the scary, scary, sexy, sexy vampires. I just don't know; should we want more than the tired characters we've seen in a million other places, just rearranged in different orders with a little extra spice thrown in (i.e., a lot more boobs and asses and sweaty, naked bodies)?