W.C. Fields. Smart dude.

Today I bring you quotes from this article on Wikipedia.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

If at first you don't succeed try, try again. Then quit. There's no use in being a damn fool about it.

When asked, late in life, if he believed that there was intelligent life on other planets, he remarked: "There better be, there's none on this one!"

When the Japanese struck Pearl Harbor, Fields brought a hand truck to a liquor store and bought 6 cases of gin. When a friend saw him returning, he asked why he bought 6 cases. Fields replied. "I think it's going to be a short war."

A man's got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another drink.

Upon being asked "Do you like children?", he once replied: "I do if they're properly cooked."

Marriage is better than leprosy, because it's easier to get rid of.