Reed graduated.

Well, hello there.

‘Sup. How’s it going with you guys? Does anybody still take a look at this every now and then (besides, of course, my requisite viewers in California, but more on that later)? I hope so. Leave me comments so’s I know that folks stop by.

Wow, where to start? What to say? What not to say?

How about I’m just going to list the big stuff that’s gone on over the last year or so, in somewhat chronological order?

1. Last summer, my ex’s ex shot herself with the intention of killing herself. AND LIVED. For fuck’s sakes, I’ve never known anyone with as many unwanted lives as this woman has. As a result, Reed’s brothers moved in with Jason for a few months, then moved back in with their mom. Weirdness. But hey, it ain’t my place to care about them any more, or so I’ve been told, repeatedly, by he who will not be named. Except I already named him so we’ll all just have to get over it.

2. Reed turned 5! He’s had a very hard time with all of the event of the past year, but he sure is growing up. It’s bizarre to me both that he isn’t a baby any more and that he ever was a baby. I can say this much: he sure is an Agan, through and through. The boy talks until his mouth ought to be about ready to fall off, and he’ll eat as many apples as I’ll set out in front of him, and he makes sound effects and hums a soundtrack for himself every where he goes. He does still love the superheroes, but now he’s added Star Wars, Pirates of the Caribbean, and Legos to his passions. He’s (sort of) learning to skateboard with Philip, and he’s taking violin lessons, and he plays video games. The child starts kindergarten in August. I don’t know what else to say but, “Woah.”

3. I got a job! I got a job I got a job I GOT A JOB.

4. Phil and I got married in February! Crazy: yes. Fast: yes. Awesome: yes. As a result Reed has two step-sisters. Reed informed me the other day that “they are MY sisters, and that means I can tell them to stay out of my room.” THAT IS PRECISELY WHAT THAT MEANS, BIG GUY.

5. On a related note, we moved out of my mom’s house at the end of March. We live in a 3-bedroom apartment that’s close to my work and that’s in a zone where Reed will go to a really neat school when he starts kindergarten. I lived at my mother’s house for a year-and-a-half, and I have to say it is so COOL to have my own place, my own kitchen, my own bathroom, places for my own things. The swimming pool is about 10 yards from our front door- I mean we can SEE it when we stand on our patio- and it’s rad. It’s been pretty warm this week, and we’ve been swimming in the evenings when we all get home.

6. Jason and Julia moved to California back in February, making Phil and me pretty much Reed’s sole caretakers. Of course we get tons and tons of help from my mom, so it’s not like we haven’t had a moment of down time or anything. But it’s odd, knowing that Reed and Jason haven’t laid eyes on each other in 3 months. I personally would be going crazy. I need my breaks, but I would melt down if I hadn’t touched Reed’s hair or watched a movie with him or dusted him off when he falls in that long of a time. The other day Reed told me, “I miss my dad. I’m starting to forget what he’s like.”

7. My best friend Kristi is pregnant! She’s having a boy! I’m gonna be an auntie! I am so very excited. Phil has decided that the baby shall be named Spider. I said that they should name him Otter. And if they have another baby, they can name him Juan. So then when something gets broken and Kristi says “Who did this?”, Chris can say, “Well, it was either Juan or the Otter.”
HA HA HA HA HA. Right? Are you feeling it?

So, I think that about brings us up to speed. I’ve said a million times and I’ll say again, this life sure tosses me around quite a bit. It frequently seems like every time I get comfortable, settled, in a routine, something happens to throw it all into upheaval again. I have had some happy, exuberant moments in which I’ve known that I will survive and Reed will survive and that we love each other and Phil loves us and we love Phil and life is wonderful and thank goodness I’m here to enjoy it. And then I’ve had some excruciating, fearful, dizzying moments in which I’ve thought that life is terrible and I can’t possibly withstand it any longer. And, of course, I’ve had about 7 million moments of everything in between.

I spend a lot of time taking deep breaths. I spend a lot of time praying. I spend a lot of time finding something funny to watch or read to distract me from my thoughts.

A lot has been wonderful and a lot has been rough. I wish that I could find the inspiration to write like I used to, but it just hasn’t come. I’m kind of forcing this one out because I don’t want to let life beat me into giving up on something that I love: writing about it here. So I’m going to keep working on it. Maybe I’ll be able to get back to writing frequently. But for know it will probably be random and kind of scattered. If anybody is out there reading, thanks for checking on me, and I hope you come back again.

So tired.

Taken at Home

Sick.

And tired.

Reedy.

Wedding night.

Yep, we did.

Jitters..

Taking care of them.

Untitled

Man, I hope this is true.

What a day.

I'm ready to go home.

Hello

Okay, then. Still chugging along.

Life is so fucking difficult sometimes, and I'm honestly enjoying re-learning how to do this, how to get through each day and appreciate it, be grateful for it. I think a lot of good things are coming in both the near and distant future. I'm thankful that I'm still here to look forward to the good stuff, and persevere through the bad stuff.

Jason and I are up and down, back and forth, as far as being able to get along, to communicate with each other. He still thinks that I'm selfish and unreasonable, and I still think... pretty much the same about him.

Kane and Jude have moved in with Jason and Julia, and as a result Reed has actually been spending the night with Jason some. I think it's good for everybody involved, especially Reed.

I'm still seeing my someone new, and he's still a fucking blessing every single day. Philip constantly reminds me that no matter how hard all of this is, it's worth it, I'm worth it, what we have is worth it. And it's not that I wouldn't have thought those things on my own, but it's so, so nice to have someone there day-in and day-out who says it, over and over again. I feel like if I wasn't here, or if Jason and I had stayed together, I'd be missing out on a lot of really good stuff. And that really means a lot for someone like me, who has been through countless days in which I've not been able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, in which I've not been able to remember to be grateful for my life and everything in it.

Still job-searching, still helping Reed cope with the divorce, still having days that are good, and occasionally days that are bad. But, hey, such is life. How many times have I written here that all I can do is keep trying, keep managing, keep ignoring, keep persevering? A lot of times, is how many. So here I am, still doing all that shit. Will life ever be easier? I don't know. But life certainly does keep getting better, and I don't want to miss any of it.

A nice exchange.

From a sweet girl:

I was writing because I just came out of a particularly shitty bout of depression, you know- what used to referred as a nervous breakdown, and my family is being so supportive but sometimes they have trouble understanding. I wanted them to read your blog entry titled "On Shovels" because it's one of the best pieces I've ever read that describes the evil monkey... your blog gives people hope... I read it because it give me hope. Hope that I can live a free life, be honest with people, love, get married and make a baby one day, be creative, and just not give a fuck because it is what it is. Thank you so much and I hope you and Reed are doing well.

My reply:

Hey, lady! I'm sorry you've had some hard times lately. Things over here have been up and down, sort of one step forward, two steps back. Some days I feel good, some days I feel terrible. Reed's the same way; some days I thank God that he seems to be adjusting and doing well, some days he's nutty. But it's to be expected. We're still all just trying to wrap our heads around the fact that Jason's gone and living with Julia and things will never be the same.

I hope that you're feeling better, and it makes me feel incredibly humble and grateful that reading my blog has done good things for you, however small. Writing makes ME feel so, so much better, and I've always thought it's important to use my right to say HEY I'M ALL FUCKED UP AND LOOK HOW I'M STILL SURVIVING, you know? Because sometimes it feels like you won't survive it, and then you do.

I'll talk to you soon, and thank you for always being so nice to me. Every little bit helps, you know?

"A-well hello, Mistah Lincoln. And the drinks are on me."

Goodness gracious, back and forth and back and forth. I'm feeling better, more able to move forward, which just means I'm continuing on with this roller coaster, up and down, up and down. I'm pretty sure that's normal, though.

I'm excited to have made my blog public again. Hi, y'all! Jason had objected pretty strongly to it being public, and out of respect I locked it. But then once I realized that Julia was saying really awful shit about me on the internet (that I am a "selfish, jobless, incapable, alcoholic, useless piece-of-shit slug"), I figured what's good for the goose is good for the gander.

Speaking of which, hey Julia! I'm glad you took some time to read me while you were up in Elizabethtown. It's nice to know folks are reading. On that same subject, hey Heather! How's Jackson treating you?

Anyway, moving on from the shout-out portion of my post, life goes on. Still looking for a job, hanging out with Reed, trying to take care of myself. We spent the holiday weekend swimming and hanging out with friends and having sleep-overs and laughing and goofing off. I'm seeing someone I really, really like a lot, who is great with Reed and even better with me.

I managed to mess up my knee again. Man, did I even write about that the first time? A klutzy moron managed to kick my knee out from underneath me a few months ago, and I sprained my acl? I think? Anyway, weeks of wearing a brace and icing it down and taking steroids and trying to stay off it made it get better. Then, Friday night, I talked my new dude and his roommate into teaching me how to ollie. I gotta tell you, I totally almost nearly did it. I was getting there, dude, when suddenly I had a blinding pain in my knee and the next thing I knew I was writhing in the floor clutching it and telling them not to touch me. Now it's stiff and fluidy and bruised and gross. I'm headed to the doctor today to have it checked out. I'm hoping to avoid surgery.

Still seeing my counselor, who says she's very proud of me and that I'm making amazing progress. It's nice to talk to somebody on the outside of all of this, who can lend perspective when I can't seem to find any. Which is, you know, pretty frequent.

I feel at odds with a lot of people right now, and all I know to do about it is take a deep breath and wait it out. I'm enjoying life right now, and it's disappointing to me that there always has to be something, that when I feel better about some part of my life another part has to spring out of wack.

But I'm still working on it, still having days in which I feel optimistic, in which I laugh and smile and hug and kiss, in which I feel lucky, fortunate, grateful, excited. And that's really all I can ask for right now. So, you know, score.

"Burning bridges shore to shore."

Hm. Well, I wrote a few months ago that I would probably sink back into some depression and sadness before all was said and done, and it's happened.

The past month or so has been really awful for me. Things didn't work out with Eric, and a close friend and I have had a pretty intense falling-out, and somehow in the midst I started yearning, really desperately wanting, Jason to come home.

Jason and Julia moved in together a couple of months ago, and since then he and I have had a lot of trouble communicating. He blames me for his financial troubles because he has to pay me child support. He also has cut way back on seeing Reed, and their (Jason's and Reed's) relationship is suffering because of it. He's yelled and cussed and blamed and made fun until I've started to feel like we might not ever be able to speak to each other civilly. He also told me that he in no way needs therapy because he "doesn't have any problems". MUST BE NICE, ASSHOLE.

I, on the other hand, have some problems. It started about the time Jason's dad died- feeling really, terribly sad, lonely, wrong, stupid, ugly, worthless, useless, invisible. It progressed to throwing up almost every time I eat, having nightmares about Jason and Julia almost every time I sleep, shaking, aching, feeling just terrible.

And that's where I am now. I have days where I suddenly feel better, a little happier, more able to cope, but they are the exception, not the norm. Coping is just so difficult right now, because the way I want to cope (sleeping and resting) isn't working for me- it's working against me (what with the nightmares). I know I'll get better, that this will pass; it's just really intense and unsettling right now.

I'm still seeing a counselor, and I like and trust her a lot, and she really is helping me. She says I need to get in touch with my anger and figure out a good way to get it out. I haven't stumbled onto the way to do that yet. I mean, I definitely feel angry, and I certainly have talked through a lot of it with my friends and family. But it's still in there, festering. If, in the next few days, I post some letters here that have a startling amount of bad words and blaming and whining, just cut me some slack.

I'm still here. I'm still here. I'M STILL HERE. MOTHERFUCKERS. Sorry; mantra. For the longest time my mantra had been I got this. That doesn't feel like it applies any more. So, for right now, I suppose it's I'm working on this. I hope y'all will stick with me until I manage to stumble out the other side.

Cleaning out my text messages.

- Smite me, motherfucker!

- In the summertime, I really like for the Asians to be all over my feet.

- Women are only good at 3 things: cooking, cleaning, and vaginas.

- I PUT ON MY BEST. MOCCASINS.

- There aren't any blow jobs in your stocking.

- I wasn't sure what I was looking at until it ejaculated.

- I hope you know the Heimlich because I'm gonna put my bike in it.

- You look like a douche bag.

- Beer goggles: it's what's for dinner.

- They're smokin' weed outta meat?

- They all love hunting. That, and fucking their daughters.

- My toes are exhausted.

- At least we haven't loaded up to drive to Mississippi and kill that asshole and his dumbass dog.

- I miss the rains down in Africa.

- I'm live right now and that makes me important. Or that's what my mom tells me.

- I'm, like, a man. Or at least 75% man.

- Nice to know you two are discussing my junk.

- "Homeless Entrepreneurs and Anorexic Geeks" is the title of my new autobiography.

- My autobiography would be titled "What the Fuck Just Happened?" Wait, maybe that would be my tombstone.

- Sometimes I like to NOT have to say I'LL KILL YOU IF YOU DRUG ME when I go to the bathroom.

- Mama's drunk. You wasted time arguing with me GAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

- I ALREADY TOLD YOU I'M IN DIRTY JEANS WITH SWOLE EYES. I'M IN ALL CAPS SO CLEARLY I'M VERY SERIOUS.

- COME ON. Break out of your mold. HANG OUT WITH DRUNK GIRLS.

- You have a poor, single mom offering to buy you drinks.

- YOU COULD BE THE NEXT PERSON I PUT MY BUTT ON!!!

- I'm trying to theduthe you.

- I hate dudes. Why don't you live here? I was more shaking my fist at the heavens than actually asking you.

- You still hiding in a dressing room?

- You're a sultry minx.

- Reed just taught Chris how to use a doorknob to open a door. No joke.

- I don't think he can penetrate me from the next state.

- I'm tired of bald pussies. I want a real woman.

- I make cunnilingus-in-the-bar-bathroom promises.

- I'll wine and dine you. But I expect, at least, fellatio.

- There was a faggot in bed with us!

- You could BE that Coke Icee.

- Okay, apparently a dude is about to show up who is a dairy farmer AND has four nipples. CAN'T YOU COME WITNESS THIS?

- We have rimming syrup.

- I SWALLOW AND I LOVE TO SWALLOW AND SWALLOWING ROCKS.

- They're about to smoke pot out of a potato.

- You only like me because I'm reading a book about turn-of-the-century Midwesterners.

- I wasn't making fun of Jerusalem. I decided I was too scared.

- The last time I was there I arrested a waitress.

- Why is he cocky? He's from Mississippi.

- Oh, wait, you mean you don't literally have a pine cone in your ass?

- I like it rough. Punch me in the face.

- Why do I have to be a jackass?

- I like letting gay guys bite me.

Cleaning out my text messages.

- I received my first shocker last night.

- Just like negroes, all amputees know each other.

- There is a cute, young ONE-ARMED DUDE working the toll booth today. He used his nub to count my change.

- Snap him up and then y'all can have a brood of Virginian, White supremacist babies.

- OH HOLY FUCK DUDE. SON IN LAW IS ON.

- I ran into that fucking d-bag who ran our tab up to $65 and I tried to kick him.

- Oh, drunk bitches, I was you once, before I got old and found out going to bed and eating Krystals with my bff was way better.

- I just had some 5-foot Mexican be all YOU SMELL GOOD and I was like I KNOW BITCH IT'S CHANEL.

- I'm gonna smoke another cigarette and then go pass out next to a dude wearing make-up.

- I'm reading Dorothy Parker at the bar. I feel like Alabama's number 1 loser alcoholic.

- The band is playing Voodoo Chile. Want me to request Voodoo Chili next?

- FUCKIN HELL YES DINKIN FLICKA

- It's your tv. That, and your HUUUUUUUUUUUGE... dvr selection.

- DUDE, the old ornery guy downstairs just asked me to have a beer with him. I was like, Naw, I'm still drinking coffee.

- Do we need the nunchucks or the throwing stars? I'll be there in 3 hours with a bitch-lynching posse in tow.

- Sacred you are not. I mean, neither am I.

- I brought my boobs tonight in case shit went down.

- I'm sitting alone. OH WAIT, I HAVE MY KNEE BRACE.

- Guys who get bj's from strippers = no point in jockin' their tip at all.

- I just had a shot called Sex With An Alligator. WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T ORDER ONE. IT TASTES LIKE FEET!

- Bumped into Hatchet Face yet?

- Riding down the road in Mississippi, listening to Color Me Badd. Jealous?

- About to eat crawdads for the first time. Something about sucking the head?

- Starting the day off right with coffee, tamales, and Michael McDonald.

- I wish Eric and Bill from True Blood would take me to the mall.

- Does it turn you on when I make Journey references? Does the wheel in the sky keep on turn-ehn?

- A kool aid pickle? A caesar salad? A steak sandwich? Spooge?

- Yeah, I'd let him lick my face.

Okay, okay, so I'm not writing nearly enough these days. Life has been nutty.

With the divorce, and Jason's dad dying, and my being so preoccupied with Eric, and life going on as usual with Reed and the daily grind, and job-searching, I've been a little low, a little crazy, a little emotional, irrational, scared, excited, hopeful, pretty much every human emotion (and some non-human ones) that you can think of.

My mom is getting a book published, called Sweet Music On Moonlight Ridge, and we're all really excited about it. I took some photos of her holding a possum at Ruffner Mountain, and she's using one of those for her author photo. It's really a lovely story, and I'm so proud of my mom for persevering and making this happen.

Eric took me to the Beale Street Music Festival in Memphis last weekend, and it was a LOT of fun, except for some outrageous inclement weather. Rain and rain and rain and rain and wind and supposedly a tornado. But we saw Jerry Lee Lewis, which was one of the coolest shows I've ever seen ever.

Then yesterday I got my nose pierced. Yep. I'd been thinking about it for years, and yesterday I woke up and said, "Well, today I'm going to get my nose pierced." And HOLY FUCK, the blood. I'd forgotten what a free-bleeder I am when I get pierced. And the adrenaline, jeez. But I'm loving it, even if it did HURT SO BAD.

I'm not sure what the future holds; my expectations and predictions change constantly, every day almost, and it's really frightening. But all I can do now is go with it. So here's to two months, to girls' night, to divorce papers, to Mississippi, to Alabama, to kids, to beer, to nachos, and sharp needles. Love y'all. Thanks for not giving up on me.

So the day that I wrote here last, Jason called and cussed me out about the blog, and then two days later did it again. Consequently I've changed the blog to invite-only. If you know anybody I should invite, let me know, because it makes me happy for people to be reading.

Last week was just awful. I was a self-involved mess for most of it (what else is new?), but I think, ONCE AGAIN, that I've come out the other side.

It just felt so lonely and wrong and odd to be floating around over here not knowing what was going on with Jason's family at such a terrible time in their lives. The funeral was Saturday, and guess what? I didn't go. I intended to, but Jason told me it was at 3 when it was actually at 2. I think it was probably just a mistake on his part; he's never been good at details. I was really nervous about going; with the divorce, seeing his family was going to be really hard, and seeing Julia sitting with them was going to be even harder. But I still needed it for closure, to be able to say goodbye- not just to Big John, but to the Agans. Looks like I'm going to have to find that closure somehow within myself.

Jason told Reed on Friday, and he seems to have handled it remarkably well. He's brought it up once or twice, but he doesn't seem too distraught about it, which is a good thing. Plus I think Reed's too busy SUCKING MY WILL TO LIVE; he's prioritizing, see? He has been so energetic and wild lately, I have a lot of trouble keeping up. Jason has suddenly decided that he ought to be spending more time with Reed, and I agree. They hung out last night, and when they got home, Reed sung us Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes in Spanish and it was one of the cutest things I've ever seen. Knowing, seeing for real that Reed will be fine, makes me feel much lighter during such a heavy time.

Eric, my boy in Mississippi, has changed things for me in so many ways it's hard to count. I feel optimistic. If you know me, you know that that means THE APOCALYPSE BE COMIN', Y'ALL, TAKE COVER. We talk every day- as evidenced by my $8657 phone bill THANKS T-MOBILE- and we text a lot. I've never attempted a long-distance anything, so this is all a learning process for me. A yearning, bittersweet, shallow-breathing learning process, but a learning process nonetheless. He is so cute, and so sweet, and he makes jokes. AND LAUGHS. JOKES AND LAUGHS. I can't tell you what a breath of fresh air this is, to be with someone who knows how to look for silver linings, who knows how to be goofy, who knows how to make me smile every single day. Luckily he's only about three hours away, so we can visit a lot. I didn't get to go see him last weekend, but you better believe I'm going out there this weekend. We're going to have tamales for breakfast and drink beer and goof off in his living room floor and make out AND MAKE OUT AND MAKE OUT, and I can't wait.

So, you know, if you see a crazy lady burning up the road towards Kosciusko this Friday, just stay outta my way.

Well, it seems to be three steps forward, two steps back around here.

Jason's dad died night-before-last. He wasn't the healthiest person ever as far as his lifestyle, but he hadn't been sick that I know of, hadn't had heart problems or anything of that nature. It was pretty unexpected. He was around 60, I believe.



John was the first member of Jason's family that I met after we started seeing each other, and he immediately welcomed me into the family when everyone else was hesitant, as Jason was going through a nasty divorce at the time. He treated me with kindness and respect. We joked and laughed and drank beer together, and picked on each other and hugged each other. John would hug me until I thought my bones would break into pieces.



Only a few weeks ago I dropped Reed off at John's (where Jason is living now) and John hugged me and told me he loved and missed me.



The grief I'm feeling now is only intensified by the fact that I'm not really a part of their family any more, can't go to them and hug them and cry with them and remember John. I mean, I guess I could, but I haven't been invited and no one has been calling me. I feel awfully lonely, out here by myself, no one to commiserate with. I called Jason's mom and left a shaky, weepy message asking her to please let me know if there is anything at all that I can do. I haven't heard back from her. It's probably unfair of me to be having these thoughts and feelings, but it feels wrong some how not to be involved in this process with them. John was my father-in-law for 6 years, and the ink isn't dry on the divorce papers, and he was Reed's grandaddy John.

Oh, God, and Reed. I don't know if it's because of Jason's leaving and the divorce and all, but he's been asking a lot of questions about death lately. "Are you going to die? Is Ma going to die? When? I don't want Ma to die, because I love her." All I've known to tell him is that everybody dies, but it's when they're very, very old, and it's going to be a very long time before Ma or I die, that we'll be old, old, old. And now someone has to be like, "Except grandaddy John! He died. But no one else will for a long, long time." I feel like a liar, a failure, lost, wrong.

Also Jason has asked specifically that he gets to tell Reed. But now I'm left to wait and wonder, when? When will he tell him? Because there are no plans anytime in the next several days for Jason to see Reed. And while I don't know for sure, I bet all the other grandchildren have been told already. No one has called to talk to Reed, or visited him.

I think I'm just selfishly feeling like the outcast, and I'm fearing that Reed is going to be cast out with me. I'm absolutely dizzy right now with too many thoughts, too much confusion. I just wish I could do something, could help them right now. But I suppose that's just my place any more.