Okay, really? A slutty, ten-year-old witch?

The last several Halloweens have found my girlfriends and myself complaining that all of the prepackaged Halloween costumes for women are always slutty- slutty cheerleader, slutty nurse, slutty Snow White, slutty post woman, slutty police woman, slutty Goldilocks (FOR GOD'S SAKES, GOLDILOCKS WAS A CHILD). News flash: not all of us want to be slutty on Halloween. Some of us don't want to wear a tiny swath of spandex with our Cinderella-cleavage bursting out for all to see. But, you know, that's how it goes sometimes.

Then I happened across this on a website called Back To Basics Toys. I like the website, I like a lot of the stuff they sell, I've never ordered anything from them but I was considering a few things for Reed's next birthday. But THIS! No no no no NO, I tell you!



I seriously cannot deal with this shit, this idea that our daughters (okay, YOUR daughters) are supposed to be wearing fifteen pounds of make-up and a skirt with a sexy slit and a low-cut neck by the age of twelve (the largest size is for a 12-year-old girl), much less by the age of EIGHT (the smallest size listed), you sick, twisted motherfuckers! Lord help us all, I think we are veering madly into some sick, crazy, regrettable territory.

In a world where all our television programming is infested with "Let's Catch a Scary Pedophile!" shows, where lists of people who are convicted sex offenders are available on the internet, are we really also saying "Let's dress our young girls, very young girls, girls that are certainly too young to be viewed sexually, in some sexy, sexy stuff! It's just so darned cute!" And then that poor girl who modeled the outfit. Good Lord! What was her mother thinking? And the website or manufacturer or whomever is responsible for this? "Let's put this picture on the internet, where it's safe and sound and certainly no sexual deviants abound!" Listen, I get that anyone who puts pictures of their kid on the internet risks someone looking at them in different ways and for different purposes than they intend. I get that I put tons of pictures on my kids on the internet. But for fuck's sakes, it's a little different when you're TARTING UP YOUR KIDS AND STICKING THEM ON HERE FOR ALL TO SEE. There's something intentional about it, see? There is a huge difference between me saying, "Look, here's my kid cutting his birthday cake in his bike helmet and Batman shirt!" and someone else saying, "Look, here's my kid, my young daughter, wearing enough make-up to play understudy to Tammy Faye Bakker and a low-cut dress with a high slit! Maybe one day she'll have some boobs to fill it out!" I don't know if you see a difference, but I see a difference.

Point is, it's grotesque, and I think we're asking too much from these young girls when we allow them to dress like grown-ups, like slutty grown-ups, and then telling them to be chaste and save it for marriage, expressing concern about std's and teen pregnancy, espousing these ideals about kids should be kids and they are all growing up too fast. It seems to me that we should be teaching these girls that they have power and ownership over their own bodies and the way that they present those bodies has a lot to do with the way that they are perceived by others. I think that when we take these girls and say, "Aw, look, it's so cute when they dress like grown-ups!" that some part of their childhood is lost, something slips away when they start to think "Hey, I get a lot of attention when I dress this way". And plenty of girls realize that at some point, but I think that they're realizing it a lot earlier these days, using it a lot earlier these days, and I think stuff like this has a lot to do with it.

On working on it.

So guess what? I argued and big-mouthed my way into Alagasco refunding the $394 deposit we had to pay. It's awesome, and it reminds me that sometimes you just have to speak up A LOT if you want people to listen. (Yes, in fact, everything in that last post I actually said out loud to an Alagasco representative.)

The bad thing is we're pretty far in the negative at the bank after having paid said deposit, after all the fees and whatnot, so the refund is kind of bittersweet. But it's better than nothing.

I've been trying to work through some stuff lately, some nastiness that is bleeding through the Prozac, nightmares and nausea and panic. I'm hoping it's going to fade in the next couple of weeks.

Kristi! In my love letter to you the other day I forgot to even mention YOUR WEDDING! How you're also getting MARRIED! Holy cow! In honor of that fact I have compiled this handy list for you titled The Secrets to a Happy Marriage:

1. Fuck all, really? Am I supposed to know this stuff? Okay, well first tell Chris to see Jason for a list titled How To Deal When You Marry a Looney.

2. I've said before, I'll say again: hide the hammer. You will have moments when you want to hit each other with it. Just going ahead and hiding it will save a lot of pain and grief, not to mention emergency room bills.

3. Later I'll make another list to give you titled How To Deal When You Marry a Laid-Back Hippy. It comes in handy when you're having a total and complete meltdown and your husband is sitting on the couch, eating all your lime-flavored tortilla chips. I would know.

4. Just work really hard, both of you, to help each other. That sounds really obvious and honestly I thought twice about bothering to type it. But it's important, and it's one of those things that can slip through the cracks when you're having a particularly boistrous game of NO I'M RIGHT AND YOU'RE WRONG AND I'M GOING TO ACT LIKE AN ASS UNTIL YOU VERBALLY ACKNOWLEDGE THAT. I'm pretty sure Dr. Phil once said "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?" (oh, God, kill me now), and that's a good one to think about. Of course I really want to be right AND happy, so you know. That doesn't always apply, Dr. Phil, if that is your real name.

But the helping! Help each other get through each day, whether it's by doing the dishes when the other one is really tired, or throwing the other one's jeans into the washer as a favor (Chris, don't touch the good shirts and sweaters because, believe me, you could fuck those up pretty badly), or bringing home the other's favorite cookies from the store. This might all sound trite and meaningless, but as a married person who is nearly identical in craziness to Kristi and as a person married to a person who is very alike to Chris, I can promise you, IT AIN'T. Small efforts can pay off big time in your marriage. It took Jason and me a while to figure that one out, but we finally got it, and the landscape of our marriage is totally different in some very good ways.

5. Don't forget to compliment or thank each other for things. Don't forget how important it can be to say things like "You look hot" or "Thanks for walking the dog" or "I really appreciate that you swept" or "Those jeans make your high, tight ass look nice".

6. I'm out. I really think that's all I got on advice.

I am just so excited and honored that you've asked me to be your matron of honor, and I can't wait to be a part of all of this. You guys are both so sweet and you both deserve to be happy and to have a nice life together. I am just so happy that you both seem to have chosen the person who can give that to you.

A healthy dose of maturity.

Alagasco hates poor people, and Ms. Little over there ain't nothing but a puppet for The Man. Damn the man, save the empire!!!

Fuck 'em.

Perhaps I'll bring a better attitude tomorrow. But don't be holding your breath.

More from AlaSHITco.

From Alagasco to me, after one phone call with a message referring me back to their 800 number that I've called several times in the last few days:
Ms. Agan,
Thank you for your inquiry.
We have been unable to contact you at 205-370-2953.
Please advise us if there is a more convenient contact number for us to reach you. Or, you can call us at 1-800-292-4008.
If you need further assistance, please feel free to contact us via our website at www.alagasco.com.
Thank you for choosing Alagasco,
Customer Service

From me to Alagasco, after I returned the phone call:
I only received one phone call from you yesterday afternoon while I was at work. I have just returned the phone call, and the representative I spoke with only wanted to reiterate that the deposit was required because my service has been disconnected more than 3 times in the last 12 months. None of my complaints that I have raised have been dealt with, namely:
The information you sent me is condescending and not at all helpful for the following reasons. You wrote: "Unfortunately, we are unaware of personal circumstances unless we are notified." I notified you on April 30th that I would be unable to pay a $394 deposit because of several hardships, including unemployment and home foreclosure. You wrote: "We urge all of our customers to contact us when the billing statement is received if the amount billed will not be able to be paid on or before the delinquent date." I never received a billing statement saying that I’d have to pay the $394 deposit. The very next day after I received the note on my door, I called and told two different representatives there that I couldn’t pay it. You wrote: "For real-time account information you will be able to view your gas account using the “My Account” feature on our website." Clearly you do NOT have real-time account information; that’s part of my complaint. I had to pay a deposit that wasn’t mentioned anywhere on my account online, and still today is NOT REFLECTED ON MY ACCOUNT ON YOUR WEBSITE. I am currently ordering an electric heat pump from Alabama power and will contact you to cancel my services with you as soon as possible, as I find Alagasco to be lacking in every area of customer service and convenience. I intend to report this story to any one who will listen, and have already been discussing with with Fox 6, NBC13, as well as local newspapers.

Rest assured that I will be taking this matter up with anyone who will listen, including my lawyer, since no one there seems interested in offering anything remotely resembling customer service.

At this point I am becoming melodramatic and impulsively angry, but I don't know how else I can deal with such mind-numbing stupidity/insolence/assholeishness.

Super-fun, super-interesting conversation between Alagasco and myself:

From me to Alagasco:
I have had an account with you for nine years. I'm sure it has been delinquent more than once, but I've always managed to get paid up.
Recently I owed $254. Last week, on April 20th, I paid $100. That was all I could afford and I figured we could pay the rest when I got paid today.
But yesterday you came while we were at work and cut the gas off, and left a little note on the door saying we owe $606. I figured that couldn't be right. When I got to work this morning I logged on to my account on the Alagasco website. It said that I owed $154, so I paid it and then called you. The automated voice on the phone said "Your account is past due. You need to make a payment of $154 to keep your service from being disconnected."
So I spoke with a representative who told me that because they had to cut my service off I had to pay a deposit of (roughly) $400 to get my service reconnected. I kept saying, "My account online says I owe $154, which I've just paid. It doesn't say anything anywhere about a deposit. It says that my account is current now that I've paid the $154." She kept on that I would have to pay the deposit to get my service back. I got irritated and got off the phone.
About thirty minutes later I called back and spoke to someone else. I explained that we have three kids and our hot water comes from gas. I told her that I was unemployed until recently, and we are in foreclosure, and paying $400 would take half of my paycheck. She replied that I would have to pay the $400 in full to get my service back. The amount couldn't be billed, and it couldn't be split into more than one payment. So I paid it at about 10:30 today. She then informed me that they don't do same-day cut-ons, and I'd get my gas back tomorrow.
I just feel like something isn't right here. I made a payment last week, and still my service was disconnected. Then I had to pay a high deposit on an account I've had for years. Plus the deposit wasn't and still isn't shown on my account when I view it online. Plus your automated phone system said I owed $154 and had to pay THAT amount in full to keep my service. It all seems wrong to me.

From Alagasco to me:
We understand your concerns. We understand that many people are experiencing financial hardships. Unfortunately, we are unaware of personal circumstances unless we are notified. Our goal is to provide excellect customer service. We urge all of our customers to contact us when the billing statement is received if the amount billed will not be able to be paid on or before the delinquent date. We are to assist any of our customers with scheduling payment arrangements. Scheduling payment arrangements will possibly avoid interruption of service and avoid additional fees, associated with the reconnection of services.

For real-time account information you will be able to view your gas account using the “My Account” feature on our website. Just access www.alagasco.c om, click on “My Account.” In the box labeled “Login to My Account,” click on "Register Now" and follow the steps to register for this service. Once you setup your username and password, you will be able to view your usage and payment history, view your current account balance, make a payment arrangement, enroll in the Budget Plan and more.

From me to Alagasco: Your response to my query was condescending and uninformative for the following reasons:
You wrote: "Unfortunately, we are unaware of personal circumstances unless we are notified."
I notified you of our financial hardships including unemployment and foreclosure on April 30th, the day that I found out we were being asked to pay the $400 deposit.
You wrote: "We urge all of our customers to contact us when the billing statement is received if the amount billed will not be able to be paid on or before the delinquent date."
I never received a billing statement saying that I’d have to pay that deposit. The very next day after I received the note on my door, I called and told two different representatives there that I couldn’t pay the $400 deposit.
You wrote: "For real-time account information you will be able to view your gas account using the “My Account” feature on our website."
Clearly you do NOT have real-time account information; that’s part of my complaint. I had to pay a deposit that wasn’t and still isn't mentioned anywhere on my account online.
I am currently working with Alabama Power to get an electric heat pump and will contact you to cancel my services as soon as possible.

More on this as it continues to force me to pull large, bloody clumps of hair out of my head.

Also, now we're -$500 in the bank. Awesome.

Part Four.

This is the story of our trip to Costa Rica. Part One is here, Part Two is here, and Part Three is here.

Jason drives us down the hill, and we're all clutching and screaming because apparently first gear is really loose, and ALL the gears are really hard to find, and the stick will pop out of gear at any given moment. Kristi and Chris are bumping around in the back, seatless. Jason manages to get us down and park, and declares that he will not drive that truck again.

We had a nice, calm, quiet dinner and then walked around Montezuma a bit. We came across a table of really beautiful hemp jewelry that Kristi and I both liked. The fellow selling them was a tiny, skinny boy with dreadlocks to his waist. He proceeded to talk to us in Spanish, all in Spanish, and somehow we picked up quite a bit of it. His jewelry is all totally unique, and you'll never never ("Nunca, nunca!") see anything else like it in the world. Each one is totally individual and no two of his necklaces are alike. The necklase that Kristi likes took him three days to make. The one that I like is the "purest stone".

He made the mistake once of letting someone take pictures of his work, and the next thing he knew he was in Mexico and saw a girl wearing a necklace that someone had copied from him. He stopped her and said, "That's my work." She said no, she bought it from someone else. He said, "Yes, that's my work." She said no; he said emphatically YES ("SIIII."). So now no pictures are allowed.

Kristi and I both fall under his spell and buy necklaces. We stand outside the market where Jason and Chris are buying beer.

We're standing there waiting, and I glance into the street and see a boy walking towards us and think, "Wow, that boy looks like Casey Affleck." Something makes me double-take, and IT IS CASEY AFFLECK. WALKING PAST ME IN MONTEZUMA BEACH, COSTA RICA. He passes and I grab Kristi's shoulders and say, "DO YOU KNOW WHO JUST WALKED PAST US? RIGHT THERE, THAT'S CASEY AFFLECK." Kristi says something hilarious like, "I don't think I've seen him in anything," and then Jason and Chris come out and I tell them the same thing. Jason immediately says, "Oh, where's Joaquin Phoenix?" About three seconds later, Kristi's eyes get really big, and she starts jerking her head towards the market that we're still standing around in front of, and there walks Joaquin Phoenix into the market, where he proceeds to start shaking hands with and hugging all the people who work there. We're pretty sure that he heard everything that we were saying about Casey and him. He has one stupid dreadlock sticking out of the back of his head (I love you, Joaquin, but it's stupid). He looks CRAZY. Even Puffy can't deny it.

And guess what? For this particular outing, this one fucking time, we left our cameras in the safe at the house. WE WERE PHOTOGRAPHERS WITH NO CAMERAS STANDING TEN FEET AWAY FROM JOAQUIN PHOENIX AND CASEY AFFLECK.

So I'm standing there trying to figure out how to approach them, and Jason and Kristi decide we need to go because it's pointless for us to stand around in the road staring. I kick them in the balls and then tackle Casey Affleck and lick his face, and then I spray Joaquin with Lysol. NO, WAIT, I whine about it a little and follow them to the truck and we go home and drink beer and FREAK OUT on the front porch about seeing famous people. And I'm like, "200 CIGARETTES CASEY I LOVE YOU and Joaquin I WAS IN LOVE WITH YOUR BROTHER AND I CRIED WHEN HE DIED. And also I hear Space Camp is pretty good."

Then we plan how we're totally going to see them the next night and we're totally going to party with them and take their pictures and hang with them and they'll come back to our house and drink our beer and play cards with us.

Does it happen? More tomorrow.

Random thought: Why don't people flush? I mean, what goes on in someone's head that makes them go, "NO WAY am I flushing this when I get through. THIS deserves to be seen."

One week to Costa Rica, you unlucky bitches (unless of course you are Kristi, Chris, or Jason; in that case you are one lucky bitch... or three, whatever).

Don't forget I've started a movie blog that's coming along nicely.