Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Scratch, scratch, scritch scratch.

So last night, totally exhausted, Jason and I snuggled up in bed around ten. Jason wasn't in the best mood because I had nagged him to fold a load of jeans while I washed the dinner dishes, so when we started hearing the scampering, scraping and scratching above our heads he wasn't happy.

I've mentioned the squirrels fucking in our ceiling; last night they weren't so much fucking as squirreling- scratching about, making noises, just generally making angry the man of the house. Jason got up and banged on the ceiling a few good times, which did nothing whatsoever. He went poking about and stepped into our closet to have a listen from there; he said, "Buffy. Come here."

I stepped into the closet and followed his pointing finger to discover a little hole in the ceiling, a little place where something had popped or scratched or scraped through the popcorn.

I have to tell you, I NEARLY SHAT MYSELF. Now I can't stop thinking about squirrels and rodents and RABIES, RABIES, people. It has made it's way into the house!! It has GUTS and GUMPTION and I will run away if I see it. Jason jammed a small suitcase underneath it so whatever has been poking its rabies-laden nose through there can do so no longer, but now I'm thinking, it'll just do it again! Next thing I know there will be little holes everywhere in the ceiling, with little noses and eyes poking through! GROSS. SCARY. I mean, what we heard last night was likely the sounds of the next hole, the next stop on the way to Buffy's insanity.

It's a short trip.


Anonymous said...

Goo! I wonder if you could trap them and release them in Mississippi or something.
Or maybe they are friendly and magical and will make you beautiful dresses out of scraps around the house?


Anonymous said...

At least they are not Rodents of Unusual Size. That would be dangerous.

On another note... Are suitcases impenetrable to squirrels?

some jerk.

stefanie said...

a couple of summers ago i kept hearing this weird almost chewing sound in my bathroom. so one day i was listening really hard, looking at the ceiling, trying to figure out where it was coming from when i noticed a fuzzy white patch over the shower. because i'm dumb, i picked at the patch and opened a hole the size of a quarter that went straight to my attic and let loose a swarm of yellow jackets. right into my face. scared the crap out of me. that summer sucked. because i also had a horrible infestation of wasps on my front porch and giant freaking mutant hornets at the back door. i was basically a prisoner in my house after dark that whole summer.

Anonymous said...

yeesh. just hope the next time i see you you aren't dressed in a helmet holding a bb gun. best of luck, really and truly.

Anonymous said...

usually when they start scratching stuff up, they are trying to make a nest for the babies they are about to have.

Thom said...

Them var-mints ain't uh gonna last long once I getty out my shoot'n arn!

Lindsey said...

That comment about the nest and babies is the best comment ever in the entire universe, amen. I totally LOLed at my desk just IMAGINING the look on your face, B., when you read that. Alkjfaslkdjfasfhahahahah.