Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Hit me again, Ike! And this time, put some stank on it!

Have you ever seen any of your exes in a store and ducked or turned the other way in hopes of not having to talk to them?

I have in my wake a long string of boys who think I am a devil woman and that our relationships went horribly awry on account of ME, my being a CUNT and a BITCH and a, dare I say, WHORE who should just FUCK OFF ALREADY.

Hey, mama! Jason, what's up?

Anyway, I have a few things that I would like to say (what else is new?).

Firstly, not ALL of my exes think all that about me. There are some who smile when they see me, introduce themselves to Jason and Reed and act politely and we all are fine about everything.

Secondly, those who DO feel that way about me, I have always wished that these guys could take another look at the relationships that we had, the absolute horror of it all and how terribly wrong it was and how after a while, neither of us was happy any more. There are a couple in particular that I'm thinking of where they boys hated me particularly badly after it was all over and I was left standing there going, Wait, you are mourning the ending of this clusterfuck? 'Cause I thought there would be, like, confetti and some champagne and handshakes and shit, so I am just really confused that you seem to be suggesting that you thought we ought to continue this charade of bad sex, near-violence, name-calling and black-out drinking.

I mean, looking back I can honestly say that I was a shitty girlfriend some of the time, but if we're really going to be truthful wouldn't we say that you fuckers were SHITTY boyfriends some of the time as well? Really, do you think I enjoyed being called a bitch and being yelled at every time I wanted to go somewhere with my girlfriends and being dropped like a hot potato every time one of your friends wanted to go to the movies and being next in line behind your brother and fourteen other fucking punks*? DO YOU? Because I can tell you I did NOT, in fact, enjoy that shit. And I say again, I was sort of a crapshoot as well.

The POINT is that there really wasn't much worth salvaging in those relationships, and I ended them because we were both miserable and mean and totally self-absorbed and nothing good was ever going to come of it. And what happens next is I am a pariah, spit upon by all your friends some of whom are MY friends and WERE my friends since before we dated, and I'm a BITCH CUNT WHORE who ripped your world apart and shit on you and laughed in your face, and all your/our/my friends are just really uncomfortable with the way I just FUCKED YOU OVER so hardcore, and they must remind me about it every time they see me by sneering and cold-shouldering and whatnot. Hey, it's cool, it's fine, I'm not bitter about it or anything.

I'm just not totally comfortable with those labels.

Anyways, I have recently started talking to a fellow who I used to be really good friends with and who is still really good friends with one of those exes. It makes me think about how a couple of those relationships, somewhere on the inside of them, I started wishing that I was best friends with the boy instead of his girlfriend. Because if we were best friends we would have been able to enjoy everything that was so good about the relationship without all the yelling and anger and supsicion and bitterness. And when I started wishing that is when I thought, WOAH, clearly we are not meant to be, right? I mean, if you're thinking "I'd really rather take So-And-So to the movies than Buffy" and I'm thinking "Wow, this would be great if we didn't have to fuck", IT JUST HAS TO BE A SIGN, OKAY?

So what is my point in all this? I don't really have one. Ha! I just like talking about how slutty I am.

*I'd just like to also say BROS BEFORE HOS and all that fucking bullshit but if two people are really suited for each other let's hope that you don't really have to make a choice between your bro and your ho, right? I generally don't have to choose between Jason (my ho) and Kristi or Lindsey or anyone else (my bros): it just doesn't work that way.

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