Man, this life sure does get weird. I realize that I just said that, but I am forced to say it again as life continues to chug happily down the road toward OFF THE DEEP END.

I've been feeling kind of melancholy lately; nothing serious, just a constant, nagging, sort of wah-wah that hangs around in the back of my mind. I am hoping that it is a side-affect of going off birth control pills. That and the red sea that I have going on down there in my pants these past few days.

OOO, BURN. Slipped one in there on you guys. Let's just say Tampax ought to be paying ME at this point, as I am single-handedly keeping them in business, I'm pretty sure.

Next week will be a nutty one at work. Both my bosses are going to San Antonio, so I'll be handling all this stuff by myself, and by "this stuff" I mean not only will I have to do my blogging and online shopping, but I'll also have to handle the watching of the drum videos and making of crude jokes. WOOPS! I kid. Wow. I am headed straight for getting fired again, aren't I? We really do a lot of work, and it is twice as busy when I'm alone in taking care of everything.

I am really starting to have some very serious I-wish-it-would-just-go-away-already feelings about a few of the things I've been through. Clearly one cannot just choose these things; I've tried attacking these feelings with the whole spectrum of emotions from anger, to indifference, to hopefulness, to sadness, guilt, regret, contentment, indignance, relief, to pretending that the feelings don't exist at all.

Next weekend we're going to see the Pine Hill Haints at Bottletree, and then it's WEDDING TIME until August 8th. Not mine, of course; Kristi and Chris are getting married on August 8th. Jason is making the groom's cake and is the photographer and is making the wedding cake topper, and I'm the matron of honor and Reed is the ring bearer. It's a family event, folks! We gon' be wo' out by the end of it, I'm pretty sure, but I sure am excited, too.

I've got to get on planning the bachelorette party, including finding a good stripper; does anybody know if David Bowie can dress up as Jareth and take care of that for us?

On knowledge.

Recently my boss asked me if I have a college degree.

I always feel like it's something special on my resume, like it gives me some extra oomph or something to have on there "Yes I got my degree in bullshitting just a few years ago. I am capable of sleeping in classrooms for several years at a time." It's funny that I've gotten a job that I really am very happy with and the fellow who probably chose me out of however many applicants didn't even notice that I graduated from college. My position is entry-level; a degree wasn't required. But you'd think they'd notice.

I must say though that I forget sometimes that I have one. I was in college for, like, 17 years; I took it pretty slowly, dropped a few classes here and there when they looked like they might involve much work or the professor was a shit. There were times when I forgot that college actually ended. Sometimes it seemed like I might just go to college forever, especially once I discovered film classes in which I could watch lots of movies and then do some reading on them at home and that was about it.

When graduation time finally came, I was finishing in December, and I just wasn't very interested in participating in the actual graduation ceremony, so I skipped it. They sent my diploma in the mail which kept me from having to demonstrate in front of my fellow graduees that I can't shake hands with my right hand and clasp onto something with my left at the same time- it's like chewing gum and walking: too much thought is required, especially at that time in my life when I was drinking about 43 beers a day and living off of deli food.

When I told my boss that I do in fact have a degree in philosophy, he laughed and said, "So what have you used that degree for?" In truth, I haven't used it for much professionally. I intended to use it for toilet paper, but I keep forgetting. It's one of those liberal arts degrees that is great if you're going to move onto something else, like law school, or teaching, or hanging around in a toga sitting on rocks and coming up with stories about dudes in caves and their shadows and what they were thinking about. But on it's own, it doesn't burst down doors to lots of jobs or anything.

What it has done is teach me a lot about thinking, about how I think and what kind of perspectives I have and how I can change them. Studying philosophy taught me a lot about having an open mind, being able to appreciate lots of differing opinions all at once even if they don't line up with my own. It taught me how to look at my thoughts and beliefs and evaluate what they were based on, strengthen them, even to throw some of them out altogether.

So in the end I think my study in philosophy is invaluable. Well, the value of it is actually about $15,000 in student loans that I have yet to begin to pay back. But who's counting? Say, if a philosophy degree-holder turns tricks in the woods to raise money to pay back her loans, does it make a sound?

"Hang on, let me get my map."

While in San Antonio we didn't have a car, so we took cabs everywhere we went. There are some interesting motherfuckers there, let me just say.

When we first arrived, we took a cab from the airport to our hotel; our boss here had said, "Don't try to wait on the shuttle, because you'll be there all night." So we hop in a cab and tell the driver where we're headed. He is visibly and audibly exasperated and says, "AW, you could have just taken the shuttle." We said, "Sorry, we were told not to take the shuttle. We hope you don't mind." He grunted and said, "I've ONLY been sitting there for two hours waiting for somebody." Then, when we got to the hotel and tried to pay with the company card, he refused to take it. "Cash only." The credit card machine was visible in the front of the cab.

We had more than one cab driver who got lost taking us to our print facility there. One guy pulled over and got his map out. Another had to pull his famous u-turn, which he referred to as "my famous u-turn". That's where I got that.

The fellow who took us to the airport when we were departing was very talkative, very excited, and somehow ended up telling us all about his dog, how his dog always wants to take his pork chops and his steaks, and he could tell from the look in the dog's eye that he was doing it on purpose, that the dog knew he was doing something bad, so he had to give the dog away. On account of the dog always wanted the guy's food. Right.

By far my favorite was this pissy little guy who kept coughing and hacking all over the place and saying, "GOD, I hate getting sick." He asked what all we were going to do for fun while we were there, and I made the mistake of mentioning that I love Mexican food so I wanted to go to some good Mexican places. This really incensed him; he kind of rolled his eyes and said, "Well, there are some really good, really authentic Mexican places here, but I wouldn't want to go to any of 'em." I told him the name of a place that had been recommended to me, and he rolled his eyes some more and informed me that that place is entirely too touristy, I don't want to go there, I want to go to this other place. He then proceeded to dig around in all his crap, his cell phone and some pens and some TISSUES, PROBABLY USED, and dug up a business card for the Mexican restaurant he wanted us to go to. I very nearly told him no thank you, I'm not going to take your germy card from your hand that you've been hoarking phlegm into for the past fifteen minutes, but I gave in and took the card. Which I later burned in sacrifice to the god of Oh Please Don't Let Me Get Sick.

We didn't, incidentally, go to the restaurant he suggested because I looked it up and it was, like, $25 a plate, and that wasn't the experience I was looking for.

Anyhow, if you're going to San Antonio, be sure and take a few cabs, just to spice things up a little bit. But for Pete's sakes, DON'T, whatever you do, go to a Mexican restaurant.

Sunny day, chasin' the clouds away.

BOOM, February is more than half-gone.

San Antonio was pretty fun. It was my first-ever business trip, so that was a little weird- being out of town without Jason or any of my friends there- and it was my first flying experience, which was okay. All except for getting stuck in the bathroom on the Express Jet.

Yes, that's what I said: I got stuck in the bathroom. It was awesome, because I was doing really well, staying calm and all that, and I just really had to use the bathroom, so I forced myself to get up and go even though it was scary. So I went, and I was feeling all proud of myself for not feeling freaked out. Then we hit turbulence and I thought, "I'm fine. See how I'm fine? It's fine." And then I couldn't get the door open. I could get it unlocked, but the door wouldn't budge. Finally I knocked on the door and said, "Hello?" The guy sitting closest to the door opened it for me, and threw in a good eye-roll to all of the other passengers like, "God, get a load of this dumbass." It's okay; I didn't even mind because I was just so excited to be getting out of the bathroom.

Other than that it was all pretty uneventful. I was somewhat ill the whole time, nasty bathroom experiences and headache and all that good stuff. I was happy to come home; that hotel room was lonely at night all by myself. I watched a lot of tv in bed. It was nice, but I would much rather either have someone with me or be at home.

Reed was really sick while I was gone, and Jason had to stay home from work from Monday to Thursday, then I stayed home on Friday. This stomach bug stuff is really rough, I tell you; the doctor said it has been lasting about five days, and Reed's lasted six. Jason talked to the kids on Sunday and Kane has it now. Someone at our facility in San Antonio had it, someone at my mom's work had it, and now my dad has it. It's going around, folks.

So now things will calm down for a bit until Costa Rica, which is just barely over three weeks away. I got my passport and I'm ready to go. Jason and I still need bathing suits: anyone know where to get a Superman Speedo with a fanny cape?

You Americans, you're all the same. Always overdressing for the wrong occasions.

5 weeks until Costa Rica, and 5 days until San Antonio. I can't believe all this traveling that I'm doing. Since Jason and I have been married (five years ago), we had a nice honeymoon, a five-day trip to New Orleans, and a five-day trip to Gatlinburg. Besides that, it's just been a couple of weekend trips to friends' houses a few hours away. Not that those aren't nice, but it's very different from getting on a plane and staying in a hotel (or a house in the jungle) and all that. I'm terribly excited, which is why y'all keep having to read about it.

I'm also a little sick. My chest is hurting and I'm feeling pretty low; I think I'm calling the doctor today.

Reed has a really nasty sinus infection. We've been watching a lot of Indiana Jones, or Marianna Jones, as he's determined to call it, and last night he kept saying "I want to watch the one with all the steaks!" He said this over and over, and was totally frustrated that I was like, "I don't think there IS an Indiana Jones with steaks..." Finally I figured out that he was talking about SNAKES, the one with all the SNAKES. Actually there are snakes in pretty much all of the Indiana Jones movies, but I figured out he was referring to the Raiders of the Lost Ark. We happily snuggled under a blanket and watched it for bedtime last night.

When I really think about it, get myself down to the bottom line, this life is the life I've always wanted, with just a few snags here and there (crazy ex-wife, her crazy husband, no-money-having, etc.). We're working on the snags, and it feels good to be able to say that.

San Antonio, birth place of Robert Dyer.

So I have six days until I leave for San Antonio.

I figure this trip will be like dipping my toe in the water as far as being away from Reed for so many days in a row. I'll be gone for four days, and it will be the longest I have ever gone without seeing my baby. I told him last night that I was leaving with work for a few days next week, and he was like, "Yeah. But can I have TWO carters [quarters] for TWO gumballs?" So, you know, he's real sad.

It will also be the longest I've ever been away from Jason. He went on a work trip once, but as I recall he was gone for three days.

It will be weird, sleeping alone in a fancy hotel room (they're putting us up at the Hilton, for pete's sakes), no coughing or talking in sleep or snoring or pitter-patter of feet who have learned to climb out of their crib to wake me up. I hope it will be restful; we do have to work, but we only work eight hours a day which leaves plenty of time for sleeping. And drinking. My boss is about to turn into my drinking buddy, I believe, so this will be an interesting trip.

I just feel so fortunate to have a job at all, and even more fortunate to have one that I like and that is teaching me stuff, and EVEN MORE fortunate to have one that wants to fly me places, basically pay for a vacation for me. It's nice and incredibly different to work for a company that has interest in my life, in my having a life outside of work, that values me as an employee and as a human being. That might all sound like a load of melodramatic crap, but it's very true, and it's a big deal to me.

So, I've been looking at San Antonio weather, and it's been sunny and in the upper sixties and lower seventies for the past several days. Lordy, I hope that weather will hold out for me.

I love how people at work gather around the fucking coffee pot, so when I need my coffee, everybody looks at me like I'M butting in. For the love, there's a big table with chairs: sit the fuck down!

We're photographing a wedding in June, one in August, and now we might have one in November. Certainly not a packed schedule, but not bad.

It sure would be nice to have internet at our house so we could upload pictures. Maybe one day.

Eight weeks 'til Costa Rica. I'm counting down.

Better and better.

Work is going well. There were a lot of days over the holidays when we went home early, or were off altogether. It's nice, this whole your-boss-actually-gives-a-shit thing. I think maybe part of the difference is that my boss isn't the owner of the company. My boss now is a guy who works for the company, just like I am. I think that allows for a different dynamic.

We are going to Costa Rica this March. It's all pretty crazy; it will be the first decent vacation Jason and I have had in a very long time, and it will be the first time I've ever been out of the country. This trip is made possible by the insanity of my very best friend, by her ability to convince herself that not only might I survive a plane trip, however short, without shoving a plastic spork into my ear, but that I will continue to be good company in a country with cheap beer and food. Kristi, you actually won't see me that much; I will be eating juevos heaped with jalapenos at a bar somewhere the whole time we're there. You will have your choice of either sitting next to me at the bar and thereby nearly losing a finger, or watching Jason and Chris attempt surfing. GOOD LUCK WITH THOSE OPTIONS.

Seriously, though, I am really looking forward to spending so much time with three of the people I love the most, three of the closest people to me, people who understand what is happening in my life, head, heart.

Anyhow, I am excited, nervous, a little bit of everything about it. 2008 was a very long, hard, confusing year. I am thankful that people in my life want to give us opportunities like this. I don't know when we'd be able to take a trip like this if it depended on our planning it, getting plane tickets, and carrying it out. We are being FORCED to go, God bless our hearts. How terrible my life is.

And here is where I empty the contents of my brain onto the page:

I have been reflecting lately on my life, especially the past year or so, on mistakes and opportunities and luck and misfortune. These past eighteen or twenty months have been so hard, so excrutiating. So many bad things have happened over the past little while, both things that are my fault and things that are beyond my control. I am absolutely exhausted, tired of all of this, tired of life, and the only thing that keeps me going is the feeling like maybe we are over the proverbial hump, maybe things are about to get better.

I worry about Kane and Jude quite a bit, about their well-being, their grades, their ability to grow into functioning human beings. I went to drop off the child support check yesterday, and their step-dad kept narrowing his eyes at me and then looking at the check, narrowing his eyes and then looking at the check. Then light dawned on marble head and he laughed and said, "I didn't recognize you. Okay."

Their step-dad, who has been around for about five years and has been married to Kane and Jude's mom for a year-and-a-half and who has seen and spoken to me countless times, DIDN'T RECOGNIZE ME. I suppose maybe he was off his meds yesterday.

Kane and Jude are telling us that they might move to Montevallo, which is great because it's even further away, and we've already been assigned the task of doing all the driving, all the picking up and dropping off, and I am not feeling happy about it. Besides the driving, Kane and Jude are both doing well in school, making friends and good grades and enjoying themselves, and I'm wondering why they feel the need to jerk them up and send them yet another school. Those people move roughly once a year, and I'm not sure that that's healthy for the kids. I realize that plenty of people move around and the kids will survive, but I'm thinking if they're not moving for a job or the military or to be closer to their families, is it really necessary?

Jason and I have just celebrated our fifth anniversary, and I'm proud and grateful that we've made it. Marriage is hard when times are good; when times are tough it can be really very difficult to remember to work as a team, to think like a team. I'm sorry that I haven't always been a team player, Jason; I'm working on it. Happy anniversary. Thank you for being on my team.

Reed's godmother just got engaged to one of the sweetest boys I've ever known. The only advice that I would presume to offer you is to pray to God for patience and perseverence, both of you, because there are moments when those are the only things that will keep you from smacking each other in the head with a hammer. Also, hide the hammer from each other. That helps, too.

My job has really turned things around for me in at least a few ways. I mean, I suddenly find myself a salaried employee with a stable company that builds software. Here's to you, universe: you really know how to confuse the shit out of me. I was voted most tech-savvy on Facebook; I put that on my resume, and I'm sure that's why I got this job.

Headache- check. Plague- check. Sheer panic- check.

You remember all my whining about "ob la di", about how something is ALWAYS happening?

When I got out out to my car last night, the battery was dead. THE BATTERY WAS DEAD, I TELL YOU. Jason came up and jumped me off, but it wouldn't hold a charge, so we had to borrow money to buy a new battery and get it in there and working asap so's we could both go to work today.

AND THEN, this morning, my NEW phone crashed. I spent my lunch hour speeding from one end of town to the other and back again for it to suddenly start working again while I was standing in the phone store, and for them to be like, "Well, let's just give it a couple of days. It might be fine now."

Then my boss is out sick today so I'm doing both our jobs AND IT'S SCARY. I'M SCARED.

This all gives a whole new meaning to that line in Almost Famous, "It's all happening!"

Blahblahblahiphoneblahblah.

So I've been able to spend plenty of time updating my Amazon wishlist- my boss frequently deems it "break time", in which we wander about the internet. But all the stuff I do on the internet is blocked here, so I find myself looking at all the interesting stuff on Amazon. I've found a good flash drive, some nice presents for Reed, some rings I like, clothes, pants, etc. etc. ETC.

Have you ever heard of the Kindle? I want one. I've been doing an amazing amount of reading over the past few months, so I feel like I would actually get lots and lots of use out of it.

Of course, no one has to remind me how broke I am right now and therefore unable to buy food, much less a $359 wireless reading device, when I can check books out from the liberry for free.

Speaking of books, has anyone else been reading this Twilight series? I realize that I am, like, the LAST person to get on this train, but holy jeez, are they good. I finished Twilight in 24 hours, and then I finished New Moon in 48 hours. I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of the third book at the Leeds Library.

Also, my cell phone suddenly stopped working. This isn't a billing issue; something is actually wrong with my phone. I can send and recieve texts but not phone calls. Scratch that: I can make and recieve phone calls, but I can't hear whoever is on the other end. So Jason or my dad or whoever I'm calling knows I'm calling, but when they answer I can't hear them at all. I think it must be the mouthpiece/speaker/whatever it's called that's messed up.

This is a big deal to me since we no longer have a landline at our house. I realize that I can still call 911, but it still gives me the creeps to have no way of making phonecalls when I'm home or in the car without Jason. So y'all text me every now and then to make sure I'm alive, okay?

Well, it's definitely been an interesting week. Between my job, the election, our money situation, and about a hundred other things, I'm beat. And kind of dizzy. And a little parched.

Oh man, am I tired today.

My job will be sending me to San Antonio before the year is out. This means I'll be flying for the very first time pretty soon. I told my boss, "You know I might get a little keyed up because I've never flown before." He said, "Well have you ever taken a klonopin before?"

Bulldoodle.

I tell you, things just continue to get crazier and crazier around here.

I haven't heard back from my job people yet; they said it would take five days to get the background check back and that was on Wednesday.

Jason's ex-wife is trying once again to squeeze some money out of us, and now she's trying to talk him into commiting tax fraud in order to get it. These people beat all, I have to say. She still seems to think that we should give her half of our stimulus check that we got this year, as well as child support for May, June, and July, and Jason can just "claim the kids on your taxes again this year" and pay what we "owe" out of it.

The reality is that our lawyer reassured us months ago that they aren't entitled to any of the stimulus money no matter how hard she tries to make it seem like she is. The kids lived with us in May, so even if we were supposed to be paying child support for some of the summer it wouldn't be for May. If a judge orders us to pay child support for June and July I will totally jump on board BUT I AM NOT DEALING WITH ANY OF THIS UNDER-THE-TABLE, JUST-BETWEEN-US BULLSHIT FROM TWO CRAZY PEOPLE WHO ARE UNPREDICTABLE, GREEDY, RUDE, AND SCHEMING.

As far as the tax stuff, she's been frauding social security for several years and she knows that if we end up in court that will come up, so I figure she's just trying to come up with a way to get Jason in trouble, too. SUCK IT, FOLKS. I've said it before, I'll say it again, and last week I said it to a 22-year-old dude who works at Citifinancial: You cannot squeeze blood from a turnip. If you haven't made the intellectual leap yet, what I'm saying is we currently have $45 in the bank and exactly one week before we'll be getting any more money.

We have no money. There is no money. You aren't getting any money.

We will continue paying child support just like we have been since August, the month that SHE chose for us to start paying child support again. But anything else will have to be settled by our lawyers and a judge in court.

Mark: comments?

So I have just this morning accepted a job offer. I hesitate to feel totally comfortable about it because now they're starting a background check which "may include a credit check". I've missed job opportunities before because I have terrible credit, whichs is mostly due to my losing my job at the college and then losing my last job at the flower shop.

There is so much drama in the world right now, and so much drama in my life. Besides the daily grind- being unemployed, begging for jobs, being in foreclosure, being in collection with most of our debts, having no money, etc.- there is a lot going on right now, enough that I have trouble keeping up with everything and everyone and how I'm supposed to handle all of it.

I don't get a lot of good rest these days. I'm usually thinking, worrying, calculating; my brain doesn't stop long enough to really be calm. Maybe soon. Maybe I'll get this job and we can all find a little peace.

Can't you hear, can't you hear the thunder?

I just got done with a job interview. I'm feeling pretty good about it. This is the third job interview I've had since I left my last job, the third job interview I've had in three-and-a-half months of being unemployed, of actively seeking employment. It's certainly the best interview I've had in a while; I felt competent and the fellows who interviewed me were enthusiastic. At one point my interviewer said, "So you're not currently employed. So I guess you could start.." I interrupted, "TOMORROW." They got a laugh out of it. Little do they know that I've been eating cans of black beans for months. At least I like black beans, so it's not that bad.

I sold two items on my Etsy this morning. GOOD THINGS ARE HAPPENING, PEOPLE. Today I'm looking up, for a change.

Coming soon: wedding photos, positivity, and good news, let's hope.

Once more with feeling.

I'm still here; still no internet at home.

I am currently sitting at a library computer at which my mother found a little plastic baggy. She held it up between thumb and forefinger and said, "Now I don't know what this is. For all I know it could have contained COCAINE."

I can just imagine some Leedsite sitting contentedly at this very computer, doing lines off the mousepad.

Jason and I have polished off two more weddings. I'm just awfully excited; they both went so well. I can't wait to update our portfolio. If you know anybody who needs a photographer for a wedding or portraits of their kids or pets or engagement photos or band photos, please pass our names along. We'll probaby be able to get some photos uploaded on Thursday.

I realize my posts have been a little off lately. I think of good stuff to write about when I'm sitting on my couch at home, not when I'm sitting in front of a library computer. Ah, well. Sucks to your asmar.

Well, I figured after my woe-is-me update from yesterday, I should add something positive.

Last weekend we photographed a wedding of a friend that I haven't been able to spend nearly enough time with over the past few years. The wedding was really lovely, and I think we did a great job. I'm really excited; I think these pictures are some of the prettiest that we've ever taken. As soon as we deliver to the new couple I'm going to post some here.

We're photographing another wedding this weekend, which means more practice and a little more money- both very good things. I hope we can do as well this weekend as we did last weekend.

As much complaining and fretting as I so around here, I'd like to say thanks to everyone who is still reading. I love you guys. Keep reading.

Originally uploaded by buffpuff

We took Reed to the zoo for the very first time yesterday. He REALLY loved it. We only got around to about half of the zoo; he is a little person with short legs, plus it was hot we were sweaty, so after about two hours he asked if we could go home.

I have come down with the plague, complete with sinus headaches, chest pain, and mouth-breathing.

These past few days I've spent a lot of time with a couple of girls who I don't see very often. I'm sorry for the circumstances, but thankful for the closeness. It has been really nice.

I watched the presidential debate last Friday with friends, and we all raised our eyebrows or chuckled or pishawed at the same parts. I particularly enjoyed how McCain's eyes bug out when he gets pissed off. This Thursday we're watching the V.P. debate with the same folks, and I'm excited about it.

Still no job-offers. FOR THE LOVE OF SHIT. I did, however, get to visit wonderful Bug Tussel, Alabama today. I want to move there.

I can't imagine.

Oh, Lordy. Communicating with the folks at the unemployment office is like being from Alabama and trying to communicate with that little guy who calls me from India about my Mastercard bill: difficult, to avoid using any expletives. So I'm still waiting to find out if I'm going to get any money for not having a job. Shouldn't one get paid for not working? I should think so. At least then I can get our cable cut back on, therefore providing myself with something to do with all this free time.

As it is I am washing, washing, washing clothes and sheets and socks and towels and the cat and my armpits and the dishes and my car and the bills and anything else that repulses me.

Kane and Jude stayed with us this weekend and they are just as smart-assed as usual. So at least their mom and step-dad haven't managed to FUCK that up yet.

In other news, my kid is an even bigger smart-ass than his brothers. It's like God said, "Okay, let's, just for fun, take all the smart-ass Kane and Jude got, and all the smart-ass Jason and Buffy got, and smush it together, give it blonde hair and a fucking cute smile and see what happens."

What happens is I almost die, every day, either from the cute overload that occurs in my house every single day or from the gouging of my eyes with screwdrivers after Reed gleefully shouts "WHAT THE HELL? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?"

And, really, where the FUCK is he getting all this awful language?