Turn and face the change.

Another thing I did, I put on my old uniform, the one with the epaulets and funny lopsided hat. I always hated that fucking hat, it never fit me and always made my face look like it was on crooked. I put it on and rubbed the entire thing with peanut butter, hat, jacket, pants and all. I went to the garage and opened a forty pound bag of bird seed and doused myself liberally. I walked six blocks to the park, laid down, and waited.

This guy is an old friend of mine.

I'm sure I can catch Jason scratching his butt. He does that for about nine hours a day.

Beware, all ye who travel here.

My mom bought me a flip video for my birthday, so you're all about to experience some interesting stuff. So far I haven't had much of a chance to use it, but it's so small and convenient I'm sure that many a video of Jason tooting, me picking my nose, and Kristi musing about childhood dreams of carrot nipples are to follow.

Hey, potty training is coming soon for Reed; I'll bet a can capture his first toilet poo on film.

Today is my 28th birthday.

Honestly, birthdays have just never freaked me out. I was excited to turn 16 so I could drive. I was excited to turn 18 so I could totally be an adult and say "screw you" to my parents, which actually amounted to staying out late and arguing with my mom on the phone sometimes until two or three in the morning, when I would finally give up and go home. I was excited to turn 21 so I could finally find out what it was like to drink the alchohol.

Because I totally never drank before I turned 21.

Anyway, beyond that, ages have never really meant that much to me. Kristi turned 28 just a couple of weeks ago, and she jokingly said (I hope she was joking) that "we're approaching the age where we won't have anything else to look forward to." After Lindsey and I beat her about the neck and shoulders, she was like, "seriously, it's all downhill from here". Lindsey, whose 28th birthday is in about two weeks, has been saying that 28 is just one year closer to 29 and OH SHIT we're about to be 30 like, any minute now. For some reason it just doesn't bother me.

I mean, in a lot of ways, I still think of myself as, like, 20 or something. I still FEEL like a young person, and when I see old episodes of Friends when they're supposed to be 25 or 26, I still think of them as older than I am. But in a lot of ways it just doesn't occur to me whether I'm old or young or middle-aged or what.

Besides, when Jason turned 30 (which was, like, 20 years ago or something) we had an awesome party. We drank a lot of random stuff, like peppermint schnapps with hershey's syrup, and blew up pies with firecrackers. AWESOME, I said. If we can have a party like that, there's no way 30 will seem scary.

From a boy to man. A man with a purse.

Reed is really and truly an amazing human being. He's learning all these new words and phrases, and it's like having an alien riding around in the car or following me around the house.

First, the phone is officially the "mong-EE". When it rings, he starts saying "Mong-EE! Mong-EEE!!". He's very emphatic about it. It really cracks me up because I honestly can't see where this pronunciation came from.

Also, he is really very interested in purses. He loves my purse and his grandmommy's purse (grandmommy is now known as "maw", which just goes to show you we really ARE from Leeds), but he would also like to have his own purse. He found a VERY sparkly bedazzled purse at Cracker Barrel the other day and fell in love with it, and I have to tell you it was a battle to get it away from him and get out of the building. I finally found a little one that I bought a while back but never used and gave it to Reed. Whenever it's time to go anywhere, he says "Poose! Poose!" Once he finds his "poose", he hikes it over his shoulder and he's ready to go. I mean, really, once you have your poose and your mong-EE, you're set for the day.

He's also just started saying "I not know!" with so much inflection and sincerity. We ask him where is purse is, and he shrugs his shoulders and says, "I not know!" I sent a video of this to Lindsey and Kristi this morning, seeing as how they often not know either, so I figure they could relate.

Emma Grace.

A trick.
Originally uploaded by buffpuff

Yesterday our friends Amy and Dave had their baby, and we went to see them today. Emma is the prettiest little baby, a little Eskimo thing with chubby cheeks and a whole lot of dark hair. She slept for the first little while, but was smiling and making the funniest little faces in her sleep. Then she woke up and quietly opened her eyes. You've never seen a room full of adults oooing and ahing the way we all were.

I recently told Jason that I wish we could have more babies, and how I wish we could have a girl. Jason replied, "Do you REMEMBER your pregnancy?" And I do. I told him it's just that the good stuff overwhelms the bad stuff. Or maybe I just want a good excuse to lay on the couch for nine months. But whatever.

Tonight Reed decided he'd help me make supper.

As I stirred the pinto beans (what else?), he pulled the rest of the items we'd need out of the fridge- pina colada mix, A1 sauce, blackberry preserves, worcestershire, ranch dressing, red wine, and three cheddar cheese sticks.

Don't you wish you were eating at our house tonight?

Up yonder. In Isbelltown.

Up yonder.
Originally uploaded by buffpuff

I had to take a picture of this sign.

Recently I was talking about religion and Christianity specifically with a couple of people, and I was thinking how excited I would be to be sitting there in heaven when people started showing up. And, even, how excited I would be to get there and give a few people a knowing "I told you so" look, such as Kurt Cobain and John Lennon and Andy Thompson.

This may sound pretty presumptuous of me to assume that I'll go there, that I have some sort of golden ticket that guarantees my passage through the pearly gates, but I figure Jesus saves and my ass needs some saving right about now, expecially from an eighteen-month-old baby who has hit the terrible twos early seeing as how he's so advanced and mature and shit, which just means that he's already eating dirt and rocks and screaming when I force him, the mean bitch that I am, not to stick things into electrical sockets and eat dirt and pour as much bathwater as possible onto the floor.

Christina Aguilera could probably sing this better than I'll write it, but here it is anyhow.

Deanna, you little stinker.

I have a few things to say, the first of which is how proud of you I am. I ain't your momma or your daddy or anything like that, but I wonder how often you've been told that someone is proud of you. And I AM proud of you, so I feel like I should tell you.

I'm proud of you for jumping into the abyss even though it's scary. I'm proud of you for taking a chance, for doing something very risky, just because you can feel it in your gut that you just need to. Not all of us have that kind of strength.

I hope you find something really really fulfilling- a job where your boss appreciates the hell out of you, or a boy who doesn't want to involve you in polygamy. SHAUN.

Because I have known you for a while, and while we're not best friends, I just really like you. I think you're a sweet girl, and so much fun, and so sincere, and BEJEESUS CRIPES you're so pretty I can't believe that you're not surrounded by boys who worship you and want to take care of you and want to make you feel good. I have had moments in which I wished that I was as pretty as you or as much fun as you or as willing to kick a boy in the BALLS just because I can.

Don't ever stop kicking boys in the balls, Deanna, especially when they deserve it. SHAUN.

I don't know the boys you've dated very well, so I realize that I don't know the whole story and maybe I don't have the right to judge blah blah blah. I just know that you are vibrant in a way that I envy, and a boy who dates you should be SO thankful, and SO happy, and should be thinking of ways to make you smile and ways to make you feel special, not ways to fit just one more girl into his back seat.

I hope that we'll continue to be better friends than we ever have been, and I hope that I'll still get to hear about the ball-kicking goodness even though we don't work together any more.

Done.

I found my calling.
Originally uploaded by buffpuff

You now how I said yesterday that I'd like to own my own business?

This is for sale in Leeds.

It's a PORTABLE. MEXICAN. FOOD. STAND.

He drinks the pool water. But he also drinks his bath water, so I should have expected it.

Originally uploaded by buffpuff

Today was a good day.

These past few days have been better and worse at the same time.

Have you ever been yelled at and humiliated by a woman two-and-a-half times your age? In public? For doing something you were told to do? You really can't handle that much hotness, I can tell you from experience.

Last night we had many, many pina coladas and beers with Lindsey, Dave, Kristi, and Chris. I'm thinking that, in Chris and Dave, we may have found the ultimate pieces of this puzzle that is life. I really felt good, for the first time in a while, with all of us together.

Today Reed tested out his very first kiddie pool. He fanatically loves it, and I can see that many summer hours will be spent this way. Which is really, really good. We had fun.

Mason and Joy,

You two are infinitely lucky to have found each other; the two of you together are almost as lucky as Mason solely is to have found a woman who can deal with having a boy who takes longer to get ready than she does. You'd think a man with no hair could shit, shower, and shave in about twenty minutes rather than two hours.

But I digress.

You guys have a lot of good things in front of you, whether it's making your home together, learning every minute detail about the other, having children, cooking meals together, or whatever it is that you're most excited about. These things make daily life worth living. Remember every day that you are each special and perfect in your flaws and that you each make up half of a team that will best succeed if you always try to work together.

Now, for the part of this letter that falls into the "reality" category.

You are going to piss each other off SO BAD. There will be days that you would rather bash yourselves in the face with a large, wooden meat tenderizer than to speak to each other for another moment. This marriage stuff gets difficult and confusing and excruciating at times. What I hope is that you guys are able to persevere, able to remember why you felt like you couldn't live another day without being married to each other, able to remember all the little things about each other that make you smile.

And, really, I don't have any special, secret, married person advice for you guys that you couldn't figure out for yourselves or read in a fortune cookie. What I have learned is that every day is different, and sometimes it's hard to stay on the same page. There are days when I have thought "WHAT have I gotten myself into?", days when I've thought "HOW can one man eat so many bags of lime tortilla chips?', days when I've thought "If I can just bang my head up against this shovel ten or fifteen more times, maybe I can knock myself out." It is fun and exciting and scary and very, very hard to live with another person, especially when it's NOT a roommate situation in which you can just keep thinking, "At least this year will be over soon." It's FOREVER and ever and ever and ever, which means you don't have any easy outs. You have to work and work and work, and learn how to let things go quickly and thoroughly, how to balance out the other's flaws with your strengths, and how to let the other balance out your flaws with his strengths.

For a person who is totally obsessive and a bit of a control freak, a person such as oh I don't know MYSELF, it can be a confusing path to travel.

Mason, I've known you for a long time. One of my earliest memories of you is driving you to Jack's Quick Stop so you could buy me a pack of cigarettes. I was fifteen years old, and I had managed to talk my mom into letting me drive her car to your parents' apartment because they lived pretty close. I cruised through a stop sign on the way, and you said, "Buffy, be sure to always stop at that stop sign. Sometimes cops sit up there and pull people over for running it, and I don't want you to get into trouble." Because that's what you do- you take care of people. You think about other people and what you can do to help them. I'm lucky to know you, and I hope that we'll always be friends. I'm happy for you that you've found someone who makes you so happy and so secure and so unafraid to live your life the way that YOU want to.

Joy, I don't know you very well yet, but I hope that I'm going to get the opportunity to know you better. Mason has been happier and more carefree since he's been with you than I've heard him in a long time. If he loves you this much and is so sure of you, then I know you must be awesome.

I love you guys. Call me if y'all ever need someone to scrub your countertops with bleach.

Buffy

Breakfast.

Breakfast.
Originally uploaded by buffpuff

Today Reed had some Peeps for breakfast- white, marshmallowy sugar goodness with some green sugar goodness on top. He seriously LOVES the Peeps.

And, to think, I had the audacity to complain about Mary feeding Kane and Jude cotton candy for breakfast. The woman is a genius.

School's out for summer.

Today I spent the day in a building without air conditioning. In Alabama. At the end of May. In 85 degree weather.

I'm pretty bitchy when I get hot, so let's just say that I have been a PLEASURE to deal with on this day.

I've been thinking a lot about a whole lot of stuff that I'm not at liberty to speak of, on account of I don't want to get fired AGAIN for my blog. Which makes for very interesting reading for you guys. Hey, if any of you guys ever want to get together and listen to me complain about having to get out of bed every day, CALL ME.

Finally, today was the last day of school for Kane and Jude, also known as The Day We Get To Go To Mom's and Get Out From Under Buffy's Fascist Regime For A Whole Three Months, and let me tell you it couldn't get here soon enough. Kane has been spending most of his time on the internet, and Jude has been spending most of his time secretly giving me the finger. They're totally ready to escape to the land of dirt, candy, and all-night television. Jude spent the last few days trying to convince us that he shouldn't go to school today; he told us that the buses weren't running (they were), that they weren't serving lunch (they were), and that his teacher told him that he OUGHT to just stay home (THAT one I believe because the less kids the better, you know?). We decided that we really didn't mind if they didn't go today, but alas Jason and I both had to work, so there wasn't anyone to stay with them, including their mom who had other stuff to do today. And it DOES take some preparation to deal with these kids; Jude is in the midst of a full-on, middle child syndrome attack. His mom informed Jason that Jude has been trying to get presents by saying, "If you loved me, you'd buy this for me" and crying in the middle of the store, also known as The K-Fed method. She told Jason that the only thing that gets him to calm down is to say, "Am I going to have to call your dad?" We both agreed that the even better way to set him straight would be to say, "Am I going to have to call Buffy?" Trust me; THAT would scare the shit right out of him.

So we take the kids to the library pretty frequently to check out books and movies since it gives us all something to do and is free, since, you know, I refuse to spend money on the urchins. Usually the deal is Kane and Jude each get to pick one or two books and one movie each. Normally I wouldn't advocate putting a limit on reading material, but you have NO idea how often they lose stuff, and how often we subsequently pay for that stuff.

Yesterday we made one of those trips. Kane picked a book that is too easy for him and Jude picked a book that is too hard for him, so all was as usual. Kane picked a movie based on the computer game that came with it which he couldn't play because we have Macs and those games are always for PC.

Jude picked Aquamarine, a touching tale about three pre-teen girls, one of which is a mermaid. This CRACKED me UP to no end, but I didn't let Jude see that there was anything odd about it since I didn't want to damage his delicate sensibilities. On the way home when I asked what the hell that movie was about, Jude recited the whole story line with no trouble whatsoever. Something about the mermaid wants to be a regular person, so her dad Triton (!) tells her that she has to prove that true love exists in three days or he's going to flood the earth. CINEMA AT ITS FINEST, PEOPLE. He ended with, "It's REALLY good. We saw it when it came out in the theatre." I can't really explain it, but the picture in my head of Kane, Jude, and their mom sitting in a dark theatre totally riveted by this teenage angsty girly movie almost makes my eyes pop right out of my head from all the laughing.

We found out last week that this same guy, this same kid Jude, got into RLC. DUH.

I have some things I'd like to say.

Peter Petrelli, you are a SEXY BADASS with all that intensity, even if you do have the Stalone lip a little bit.

Claire, quit whining already. Seriously, that's enough.

Noah, you scare my balls right out of the sack, if you will, even if you are actually a good guy.

Hiro, run a comb over that muppet head!

Nathan Petrelli, you're dead, dude. Or are you?

Today I encountered a woman who told me that "Middle Eastern people always want something for nothing," and that the majority of them are "a problem".

Then she laughed and said, "I guess that makes me sound racist!"

I laughed and said, "There ain't no sound about it, lady; that makes you BE racist!"

Well, I didn't say it out loud, but I wanted to.

You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.

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Pimp Chalice Craft Night, and my new mantra.

"Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer."
-- W. C. Fields

Pimp Chalice Craft Night at the Bottletree was a total hit. We had a great time, made some awesome chalices, and drank some beers. Kristi finally had an occasion to which she could wear her mumu, and I finally had an occasion at which I could walk around and tell people what to do.

WAIT, woops! I do that every day.

We had an attendance of about eighteen people, which really is awesome because when the last two girls showed up it was difficult to find a place for them so sit and pimp. But we worked it out, thanks in no small part to Brock's begrudging willingness so seek out power strips and extension cords for us to use. Paint was slathered on, hot glue was gunned, and much bling found its destiny last night. My new chalice is even better than the first one. Jason photographed the whole thing, and I'm sure I'll nag him into uploading those soon, so be on the lookout.

Do you have anything to do with your tired ass tonight?

No?

You should come to Pimp Chalice Craft Night, and craft yourself a fine lookin' pimp chalice. It's at the Bottletree from 8 'til 10, and it's definitely going to be a good time.

Got some hoes to pimp but just don't have the right chalice for the job? Come see us. We can help.

The Green Wave.

Originally uploaded by buffpuff.

I went to my ten-year high school reunion on Saturday night.

No, that's not me in the picture; it's Ashley. But we're both complete idiots, so I think it's okay to let her represent this night and what it means to me.

I have to say that the actual reunion at Pine Tree Country Club was a little tense and quiet. Not bizarrly so, not totally uncomfortable, but just a little weird. About the time we left, I think everyone had JUST had enough to drink to loosen up a little bit.

Kristi and I had already planned to go karaoke at the Upper Deck in Homewood or I'm really sure we would have gone with our old friend Kelly to the Yacht Club, a place that she kept referring to as "alternative". When she explained what that meant to a group of the boys we graduated with, they pointed at me and said, "We're going to HER bar."

I thought it was a funny joke until we arrived at the Upper Deck to find several tables pushed together at which were about half of the people who attended the class reunion. A TOTAL SURPRISE. And a pleasant one, at that.

The night proceeded to be COMPLETELY BIZARRE. It was like being back in high school, except without the discomfort and self-hatred. It was like the reason that high school reunions are invented- I got a chance to totally and completely just be friends with a lot of people I missed out on in high school. It was nice.

And, hey, Ashley made that face up there. And Beau shook his ass like a stripper. And Matt actually stripped a little. It must have been good.