Sunday, March 04, 2007

I really SHOULD buy a fire extinguisher.

Well, I am once again employed and my new job really doesn't involve the internet in any fashion, thank the good lord Jesus because we all know what happens when I'm on the internet- I encourage anarchy, lawlessness, left-wingism and heavy drinking. I am very dangerous. I am single-handedly erroding America's good, wholesome family values as we speak.

I have to say again that I feel very... constipated and uncomfortable to have this entire section of my life that I can't write about. I'm thinking of writing to Oprah about it. Oprah, if you're reading this, maybe you should do a show on bloggers who get fired because of their writing and still think that they ought to be able to write whatever they damn well please! Good idea!

So Jason, in all his glory as The Most Distractable Man In America, managed to leave his car running, unlocked, for nine hours yesterday. He has to park and ride a shuttle to his work, and the shuttle was leaving and he was trying to get all his stuff out of the car quickly so he could run to meet it. When the shuttle dropped him off that evening he said he thought, "Man, whose car is running?" As he approached his, he saw the keys in the ignition and the lights on and realized, "Hey! Woops! MY car is running!"

It makes me think of the time that Kristi and I almost burnt down my mom's house trying to re-heat soup. Yes, friends, you can start a fire with cold soup. IT CAN BE DONE. My mom had done the unthinkable and left us alone in the house, and we decided to heat up some beef stew for lunch. We put it on stove and turned it on and then thought, "Hey, we should really leave this red-hot unit and head back to the very back of the house to play Barbies with the bedroom door closed so that we won't know if anything ODD is going on up here in the kitchen!" My dog Poochie came back with us, and about an hour later she was shuffling in circles and looking at us as if to say, "You fucking idiots! We're about to die in an inferno if you don't get us the hell out of here! Do you have any treats?" That's when we noticed the smell of smoke, so we opened the door and the house was indeed totally filled with smoke. We got out fine, and no real damage was done to the house besides a couple of burnt spots on the countertops, but it just goes to show you how stupid smart people really are.

11 comments:

Rick said...

Ran across your blog and liked it very much. I will stop by again!

Jason, the one who is tired said...

Stupid smart people...kind of like jumbo shrimp, right?

Aunt Suzie said...

Buff, this is one of your most hilarious entries yet--well, I guess not to Jason and Poochie, and probably your mom. But I'm still guffawing. Congrats on the new job. Way to go, Baby.

Anonymous said...

I'm so happy about yer job! Whee! Dood...who knew soup was combustible. Furthermore, how didn't he run out of gas?!

kat

jason said...

Car idling only burns 1/2 - 1 gallon of fuel per hour...young child idling evidently only burns one countertop per hour.

Lindsey said...

That is the fuckin' craziest thing I've ever heard of in my LIFE. How did the car not get stoled?? 'Cause *I* totally would've been all "HEY! FREE CAR! ZOOM!"

Thom said...

Getting fired for what you write or put on your blog or web site is called getting dooced. There is a wonderful blog called that. If you haven't you must go there. Go there now! http://www.dooce.com/

Ramey said...

Dear Buff, This reminds me that once-upon-a-time it came to pass that your Daddy, known to all his golfing buds as Little Caesar, went golfing in a neighboring town, and locked his car with the keys in the ignition and the motor running. So, who did he call for help? I had to go unlock his car with my spare key and turn of the engine while he was gaily golfing away. For some reason, I found it to be oddly irritating.

Franny said...

Looo-oook! I just discovered you have a website for The Chenille Outlet! You can make some killer purses with that stuff! Y'all need to check it out, dudes.

stephanie said...

now we know the truth behind global warming. thanks a lot, Jason.

Anonymous said...

damn right stef! I warm the globe one day at a time and I won't stop until we all have permanent orange afros.

buford union davis