Monday, April 30, 2007

On earth, as it is in Heaven. Especially that "Thou shalt not be any pissy babies" part.

So I was right; it's the strep throat, complete with fever, fatigue, and grumpiness. My doctor was all, "101 degree fever? Why are you doing that?" I was not amused.

I'm just hoping that Reed won't catch it, seeing as how he's already going through his "If Moms Can Die From Frustration, I Can Take Care of That For Ya" phase. Reed is bringing cracker back in more ways than one, and I'm getting a little frazzled. He contstantly wants to be doing whatever he's not doing. Pick him up; put him down. Give him juice; give him crackers. Go, go, go in the car; go, go, go outside; go, go, go in the house. Play with his toys; see what he can do with a sharp knife and an electrical outlet or maybe a toaster if he's feeling nutty. I'm telling you, it's enough to make a person love the Lord if only because loving the Lord might get you into heaven and in heaven there are NO PISSY BABIES.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Blistery goodness.

So I can feel the strep throat coming on. It's MARVELOUS. Jude had strep throat about two weeks ago, and I honestly thought the rest of us had avoided it. Reed is currently still on antibiotics for his nasty cough and runny nose, so I don't really have any idea if he CAN catch it. But I'm pretty sure I'm getting it. My throat felt weird and scratchy on the way home from work on Friday, and when I looked at it there were two gross blistery spots on the back. SEXY. I felt better yesterday, but today I feel really really awful, tired and achy and low and confused, and my throat is hurting really bad. I suppose it's back to the doctor with me tomorrow.

Off the subject, I'd just like to get off my chest that Jason and I both, at our respective jobs, work around some of the most stuck-up, intolerable yuppy fuckheads that I've ever encountered in my entire life. EVER. Fire me, I don't care, because it's enough to drive a person to drink large amounts of alcohol and randomly shout "FUCKERS!" I think it's starting to get to me a little bit.

Lastly, Jason and I got a sympathy card in the mail regarding Shu Shu's passing, and it was the sweetest thing. It really was.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Baby Ruth?

Baby Ruth?
Originally uploaded by buffpuff.
Oh, I definitely have stuff to do. STUFF. TO. DO.

I got a hair cut today in preparation for my ten year high school reunion.

You can go ahead and bludgeon me in the face at any time.

Honestly, it's not a matter of being nervous or scared or uncomfortable; I've seen a lot of the people who will be there pretty recently. It's more just a matter of the OCCASION. I wonder if we're all going to be standing around going, "SO... What have you been up to?...... Mmm. Cool." I intend to dance and drink and eat and hopefully try and look pretty.

Incidentally when I was being shampooed at the salon today, the shampoo lady looked at my long-ass hair and said, "You're getting this cut? Are you doing Locks of Love?" I laughed, and was like, "No, just a trim. I'm not a generous person."

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

This is the way.

So the Pussycat Dolls officially have a new member, a girl young and energetic enough to bring the other 27 members of the Pussycat Dolls their hot water bottles and fiber pills after thrusting and humping violently for hours at a time.

In other news, we've been doing some gardening around here and it's good for the soul. We've let life get in the way of keeping up with the out of doors. I went to the store and bought a hydrangea, some creeping jennies, and a few other pretty things and we're working on getting things up to code. I'm excited about having a pretty yard when we get done.

Reed is back to normal momentarily. He's finishing up another round of antibiotics after a nasty cough made things unbearable for every living thing within a three mile radius, and- for the moment- we're all sleeping all night long and waking up happy.

And, in the most interesting news of the evening, Jason was just now apparently doing his "Pussycat Dolls dance" over in the corner just for me, and I didn't even notice.

I'll be talking him into doing it again in nothing but flip flops and a thong later.

Monday, April 23, 2007

Oh yes, that's right.

Originally uploaded by buffpuff.
We saw Wolfmother last night at Workplay, and it was one of the most impressive rock shows that I've ever seen. Those guys have so much charisma, like out to HERE, so much that you have to stand back and brace yourself in order to take it in. I really was pleasantly surprised, because I don't know that much of them. Jason really loves them so I was just along for the ride, and I'm so glad that I was because it was SWEET. And now I have a crush because that lead singer, that one with the tight jeans and the afro, he says "BIRmingham." You know, BIRmingham, with the emphasis on the BIR. Folks from Birmingham, Alabama say "BirmingHAM", with the emphasis on the HAM, because ham is just so good that the emphasis always ought to be there, on the ham. Apparently Australians are more concerned with the bir than the ham, which is probably how he can fit in to those TIGHTEST JEANS THEY HAVE.


My only complaint is that the whole show was so damn energetic, so non-stop, and then at the end they suddenly went into this too-long, when-is-this-going-to-end, I'm-asleep-with-my-eyes-open experimental jam-type thing, and it just didn't fit. I mean, every one there is pumped, drinking tons of beers, dancing all over the place, sweating and loving it, and then all of the sudden the whole thing screeches to halt and they just slowly sway about the stage, teetering about playing random notes and feedback and whatnot. We made it through about twenty minutes of that before I figured that midnight was a smart time to go home, what with the working and the baby who cares not about my sleep.

But all-in-all, a great experience, a great band, no ass whatsoever to fill those TIGHTTIGHT jeans but still a sexy motherfucker.

Speaking of, one of the highlights of the night was when I leaned over to Lindsey and said, "Man, that guy has no ass whatsoever." She replied, "Have you SEEN Jason's ass?"

Tuesday, April 17, 2007


Well, today my cat is still dead and buried in the back yard, and our plumbing still isn't fixed and the plumber still hasn't come back to figure out why it's not fixed even though I first called them last Thursday to let them know things weren't kosher.


The owner of the plumbing company that did this most expensive work came over today to discuss the work, the price, and the fact that things still aren't perfect and, I gotta tell ya, he's a LOUD TALKER and a CLOSETALKER. Those two things together equal a very odd conversation, a conversation in which he claimed that Jason said, "As long as it doesn't go over $8000, we'll pay it.", a conversation in which he asked me what church we go to, a conversation in which he kept talking about charging us $4000 in a way that I could tell he meant that he had never tried to charge us $7000. IT WAS TENSE. He eventually said that he was "prepared" to only charge us $1500 instead of the $3000 that we owed (he had held on to the check for $3000 since Jason told him that we didn't have that much in the bank), and that his "guy" would come back later in the afternoon to figure out why the shower still isn't draining.

We still don't have a bill or an invoice for the work, and his "guy" never came back to fix our shit.

This situation is steadily getting more frustrating and more complicated, and I don't really DO complicated, you know? I like beer. I like cheese. I like having beer and cheese with my friends on the front porch.

Maybe I just need to have some beer and cheese on the front porch with these plumbers and try to work it out that way.

Monday, April 16, 2007

My Shu Shu.

Well, our Shu Shu kitty got run over tonight and died. She was a really good kitty.

Then I watched The Color Purple, so I'm in a pretty sorry state right now.

Shu Shu was a really good kitty. She liked sitting on Jason's shoulders. She really loved Reed. She refused to eat table scraps of any kind, or wet cat food. She shit on Kane and Jude's bed a couple of times when we still lived in our apartments.

Tonight, right after she got hit, I was trying to get Reed ready for bed whilst weeping loudly, and he suddenly started saying "Shu Shu! Shuuuu Shuuuu!" I really almost threw up, and I wept a little louder.

So now I don't know who Ida's going to play with. I don't know what to say to Reed when he starts saying her name. And I can't quite wipe the image of her little dead eyes from my mind, the last image I saw of Shu Shu, right after the girl knocked on our door and said, "Do you guys have a cat?" And I just can't stop thinking how her bowl was empty, how she might have been hungry. And how she slept with us last night for the first time in a long time.

I KNOW THAT THIS IS SO VERY DRAMATIC. I'm just not good at this stuff. I can't deal, okay? Cut me some slack. Slack is not something that we get over here very often, with all the plumbing issues and car wrecks and the getting fired and old friends dying and the throwing up and snotting and bills in collections and the whole NOT BEING ABLE TO DEAL stuff. Really, I'm working on it. I'm trying to remind myself that this stuff happens and in my life time a lot of kitties have gotten run over or died or been given away, and I did a good thing by telling that tearful girl that it was okay, that I knew it wasn't her fault.

But my kitty is dead and she's buried in the back yard and I'm just really not cut out for this stuff.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Pimp chalice craft night.

Pimp chalice craft night.
Originally uploaded by buffpuff.
Last night we made ourselves some pimp chalices. And it was good. It's amazing what you can do with a little gold paint and some rhinestones.

Next weekend, we drink from our pimp chalices. We never quite made it that far last night. But we did listen to some Dr. Dre, drink Natural Light, and craft it up.

Saturday, April 14, 2007


Hindsight, after all, is caused by a lack of foresight. Civilization woozed out of the Nile about 300,000 years ago. The Nile was a river that had some water in it. Every year it would flood and irritate the land. Mesapatamia was squigged in a valley near the Eucaliptus river. Flooding was erotic. Judyism was the first monolithic religion. Old Testament profits include Moses, Amy, and Confucius, who believed in Fidel Piety. Moses was told by Jesus Christ to lead the people out of Egypt into the Sahara Desert. The Book of Exodus describes this trip and the amazing things that happened on it, including the Ten Commandments, various special effects, and the building of the Suez Canal. David was a fictional character in the Bible who faught with Gilgamesh while wearing a sting. He pleased the people with his many erections and saved them from attacks by the Philipines.

You should really check this out. Thanks, April.

Yes I did.

Yes I did.
Originally uploaded by buffpuff.
Creativity is sho 'nuff therapeutic. Yes it is.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007


OOO! So today, we had about $7000 worth of poopy fun! Except that poop isn't really that much fun, and neither is spending $7000 on about four hours worth of work.

By the way, next week I'm becoming a plumber.

It turns out a pipe burst in our back yard underneath the ground, and they had to bring in a tractor or a back hoe or some shit, dig up the back yard, and replace the pipes. We have a home warranty but this wasn't covered because the problem wasn't IN the fucking house, which I'm sort of divided about because normally I would say "just so long as there's no shit in my house." But today if the shit had been in my house I could have saved $7000 so I think I would make the trade-off.

After Jason told the guy repeatedly that we literally don't have seven-fucking-thousand dollars to pay him, he finally knocked it down to $4000 because he's such a stand-up fellow, so we gave him $1000 and a check that's going to bounce like Beonce's ass if we get turned down for a loan tomorrow, which we probably will.

So, you know, party! Tonight we drink. Tomorrow we start looking for cardboard boxes that are big enough to hold two adults, three children, two cats and a goat.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

I poop; you poop; we all poop!

You know, sometimes things get pretty boring around here..

Luckily, right now as I type this, there is a puddle of poo and other assorted items of sewage in our back yard. IT JUST GOT INTERESTING.

For about the last two weeks I had noticed that, besides the fact that the shower was draining REALLY slowly, there were just odd things happening with out plumbing. Often times for no particular reason I can hear what sounds like water draining in the tub, and I can hear bubbles coming up in both of the toilets.

Now there's poop in our back yard- probably our own poop. But I guess there's no guaranteeing that since we're on the city sewer, not a septic tank. It's too bad that we don't live close to any famous people; we could have famous poop in the back yard. I could be selling Leonardo DiCaprio's poop on eBay right now.

But, really, if I had immediate access to Leo's poop, why would I SELL it? It would live in a jar on our mantle above the fireplace, where all good famous poop lives.

Monday, April 09, 2007

This is the way we grow our childrens.

Originally uploaded by buffpuff.
Yes, that's right; my child wears bunny ears.

He hunted Easter eggs for the first time yesterday, and it was really one of the most fun, inspiring, joyous days that I've experienced in a long time. Regardless of how dramatic it may sound, watching him grow and develop is mind-boggling and heart-breaking and awe-inspiring all wrapped up into one big mess of emotions. HE HUNTED EGGS! He sought them out and put them in a basket and showed us how many he had. OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO BE THE MOTHER OF A TEEN-AGER ONE OF THESE DAYS.

And today he didn't cry when I took him to daycare. HE DIDN'T CRY OR PROTEST OR CLUTCH ME AND SCREAM. It is monumental and wonderful and I felt so FUCKING RELIEVED and a little bit hurt, but that's just my crazy showing itself a little. Some tiny part of me wants him to never want to be with anyone but me, but hey, all the boys can't act just like Brad Pitt. HE always cries when I drop him back off with Mama Angelina. That whole marriage thing is a cover-up, by the way.

Work, and life, and parenthood, and life and work and being a mama, it gets right up on top of me sometimes. I was driving home from work the other evening and I suddenly had this realization that I DON'T HAVE TO BE PERFECT. And I'm not perfect at all. And even though I am so far from perfect, I am a fantastic mother because some days all I can think about is how to make things the best they can possibly be for Reed and Kane and Jude. And I'm striving all the time to be a fantastic wife, and even thought I'm not ALWAYS a fantastic wife I try so hard and I apologize A LOT, people. And things- you know, life- have felt really good for a surprising amount of time, and it's only partly because of all the heroin and vodka, so I'm making progress.

Really the only area that I'm not progressing in is italicizing. When I use Blogger on my Mac, there isn't a button for italicizing, so I'm doing all this FUCKING capitalization, because it's the only other option for EMPHASIS and INTONATION.


Thursday, April 05, 2007

Qui gives a shit?

Things are temporarily fairly normal here at the Agan household. I AM RELISHING IT WHILST I'M ABLE, PEOPLE (mm, relish).

I would like to say that I was pleasantly impressed and entertained by The Departed. I knew that I'd like it, but I didn't really think that I'd FANATICALLY LOVE IT the way that I'm doing. I have to say HONESTLY that it had me sitting on the edge of my seat, tapping my foot through the whole movie. TRUTHFULLY, though, I didn't buy the psychiatrist character; there was something that just didn't play out for me. Because honesty and truth are not synonymous.

I have to say, that concept had never really occurred to me before- I know plenty of you are just gearing up gleefully to type "OH MY SHIT YOU NEVER KNEW THAT?" But come on, I can't be a fucking genius on every single idea ever, people. I know whores and cocaine, okay? Those're my forte. Honesty and truth? I know not these things.

I was thoroughly intrigued, so I took to the internet- that's where all honesty and truth reside, right? I also took a quick look into my 1997 Merriam-Webster Dictionary, which had this to say about the word honest: 1 : free from deception : truthful; also: genuine, real 2 : reputable 3 : creditable 4 : marked by integrity. It listed the synonyms upright, just, conscientious, honorable. The definition of truth (in 1997) is: 1 : truthfulness, honesty 2 : the real state of things: fact 3 : the body of real events or facts: actuality, and it lists the synonyms veracity and verity.

I went ahead and looked up integrity as well, as it was used in the definition of honesty: 1 : adherence to a code of values: incorruptibility 2 : soundess 3 : completeness.

You may all be asleep by this point, but I find the subtle difference to be fascinating. I'm pretty sure that I'm going to have more to say about this later, but for now, what do you think? Does it boil down to whether you're more concerned about the outcome or the actual fact? Does that simplify it too much? Should folks holdin' philosophy degrees just shut the fuck up and go to bed already?

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Sometimes the Pepto just comes back up with the rest of it, so what's the point?

Mm, nacho vomit. So pleasurable.

So it turned out I caught Reed's stomach virus from him. I started the puking Monday night and continued on into Tuesday morning, and then came the aching and fever. It was SEXY, and Jason can confirm that as he was trying to sleep about ten feet away from the bathroom in which the magic was happening. And it really was magic, I tell you. It never ceases to amaze me how one can eat this one portion of food, then about eight times that much can come back out again. VOILA!

The worst part was that something odd happened to my left hip at some point so that every time I heaved, it felt like it was dislocating. So much fun.

So far, Jason, Kane and Jude haven't caught it. I spent today washing clothes and towels and sheets and Cloroxing every surface in the house including my own ass. Hey, it needs disinfecting sometimes too.

Monday, April 02, 2007

Getting puked on is SO rock and roll.

So now Reed has the stomach virus. There is nothing better than reaching out to stroke your lovely baby's face, and pulling it back covered in purple vomit. NOTHING.

He puked half the night Saturday and half the morning Sunday, then he was fine all afternoon yesterday. This morning I noticed that he seemed a little warm, but I thought that it was my imagination. After my shower I noticed that he just looked puny, so I took his temperature with the fancy ear thermometer that we bought last time he was sick (you know, 47 minutes ago). It said 101.4 in one ear, and 103.5 in the other- that thing was SO worth the $35 we spent on it. Then while I was drying my hair he puked blueberry-colored vomit all over our bed, as he had a blueberry cereal bar for breakfast. Most of the puke went on Jason's pillow, so it's okay. He's not the one who gargles Clorox at the mention of a sour stomach, right?

So now I'm just hoping that it's passed, and that tomorrow he'll be well. The nurse at his doctor's office said "Oh there's no reason to bring him in!" I'm pretty sure that she's been lobotomized and nailed to a stool where she sits and answers the phone and just says, "Oh there's no reason to bring him in!" over and over all day long. It's a wonder those people ever have patients in the office.